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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

Esen reaches for me, but I wish she hadn’t. I wish she’d let me fall, because it’s too much. The pain – the unbearable, uncontainable pain – in Poppy’s voice. I wish she’d let me fall so the earth can swallow me up.

Keep me there.

Where I belong.

‘If I can interject for just a second,’ Esen says then, but Poppy doesn’t look at her, just at me.

‘Who the fuck is she?’

‘I told you, I’m Esen.’

Poppy ignores her, holding up her hand as if by blocking Esen’s face she isn’t there.

‘Seriously, Ash. Is she your new girlfriend or something?’

If I could laugh, I would.

‘If you weren’t interested, Ash, you could have just ghosted me. You didn’t have to fake your own death.’

‘Technically,’ Esen says with a smirk, ‘Ash did ghost you. Literally.’

She laughs and I turn to glare at her as if to say, Really, Esen? Now?

‘Fine.’ Esen rolls her eyes and I have no idea how she can be so calm.

It feels like someone has left a tap on in my head and it’s about to overflow.

Esen gestures at the bench for Poppy to sit down again, but Poppy crosses her arms.

I need to, though, my legs about to give way as I turn and sit on the bench, my head in my hands.

When I look up again, they’re both standing over me, staring.

Poppy with her arms crossed.

Esen with her hands on her hips.

‘What is happening?’ I say, looking between them. ‘I don’t know what’s happening.’

‘You don’t know what’s happening?’ Poppy scoffs. ‘I just found my dead girlfriend in a graveyard!’

‘OK.’ Esen holds her hands up. ‘OK. Everyone just calm down.’

Calm down? I want to scream. My girlfriend’s going to die!

When she takes her phone out of the pocket of her coat, I panic. ‘Who are you calling?’

I hope it’s not Deborah.

‘Dev,’ she says, holding it to her ear. ‘I’m no good with shit like this. She’ll know what to do.’

‘Who the fuck is Dev?’ Poppy asks and I let my head fall back into my hands.

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‘A cemetery? Really, Ess?’ Dev tuts as she stumbles into the clearing. ‘You’re taking this goth thing too far now.’

Esen ignores her. ‘Dev, this is Poppy.’

When Dev says hello and gives Poppy a small wave, Esen looks between them with a deep frown, clearly waiting for a reaction. When she doesn’t get one, she turns to me. I raise my eyebrows at her and Esen blinks at me as she realises that I haven’t told Dev about Poppy yet. Only her.

‘Poppy is Ash’s girlfriend,’ Esen tells Dev, gesturing at her.