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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

This isn’t the moment I’ve been waiting for since I left her on the beach on New Year’s Eve. I’ve imagined it so many times. It’s the only thing that’s kept me going while I was languishing on the sofa in the bookshop, listening to Deborah and Esen go back and forth. Or each time I walked back from the beach with Dev to distract myself from thinking about whoever we’d just reaped. I’d tell myself that when I turned the corner, Poppy would be there and she’d see me – really see me – throw her arms around me and hold me the way I want to hold her now.

Like I’m not going to let go this time.

But then I did see her, didn’t I? A couple of hours ago, outside the Dome. She looked right at me, but she didn’t see me and it felt like dying all over again. Now she can and she’s bleeding, bleeding and looking at me like I did this to her and this isn’t how it was supposed to go.

‘I thought you were dead, Ash!’ she roars – actually roars – so loud that the birds in the branches over our heads scatter. I didn’t even realise they were there and now they’re gone, a flutter of black lines against the moon.

‘I went to your funeral, Ash!’ She stops to swat away a tear with the back of her hand. ‘I put those on your grave!’ She points back to where we were just standing, at the mismatched flowers on top of the heap of wreaths and bouquets.

My gaze darts to them and I feel rotten.

I was so freaked out by seeing my grave that I didn’t even notice them.

With that, whatever tiny thread is holding me there – rooting me to the spot – snaps and it’s like I’m floating, like I’m sitting on one of the branches over our heads, looking down, watching everything unfold.

‘How could you do that to me?’ I hear Poppy say. ‘How could you let me think that you were dead?’

When I don’t respond, she says my name and I’m back in front of her, watching as she shakes her head furiously, so furiously that it sends another tear skidding down her cheek. ‘I’ve been here every night this week because I can’t sleep for thinking about you! Thinking about you, lying here, all alone, and you’re not even dead!’ She stares at me, waiting for me to say something, and when I don’t, she shoves me, so hard that I stagger back. ‘Ash, you broke my fucking heart!’