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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

That’s better. My legs feel a little steadier, the breeze cooling my hot cheeks as I suck in a breath and let it out with a relieved sigh. Just as I feel able to loosen my grip on the railing, I’m aware of someone next to me and flinch so suddenly I almost drop my phone into the sea, sure that it’s Dan come to succeed in throwing me in this time.

But it’s not Dan, it’s one of the Roedean girls.

‘Does it make you want to jump?’

I’m too startled to answer as she looks at me with a slow smile. All I can see is her hair. I don’t know what they feed them at Roedean, but they all have such good hair. It’s in a ponytail, which is a lot neater than mine, and it’s red. Not just red, but red red. The colour of the sari my mother wore on her wedding day. A rich rust red with threads of gold that, when the sun hits it, makes it look like it’s on fire.

I know I’m staring because all I can think about is whether her eyelashes are the same colour under the layers of mascara. If she notices, though, she has the grace not to say anything, she just keeps smiling. I almost smile back but I catch myself, suspicious of why she’s there. Perhaps she saw my leather jacket and DMs and thinks she can ponce a cigarette from me that she’ll smoke with great flourish. A tiny display of defiance to show her friends how cool she is. Or perhaps she wants to ask me where I’m from so she can tell me about that time she went to India.

Whatever the reason, when I look at her Roedean uniform and her full cheeks, pinched pink by the wind, I can think of no good reason why a girl like her wants to talk to a girl like me. I mean, side by side, we make no sense. Her, immaculate, the sunlight settling in two moons on the toes of her saddle shoes, and me, greasy and crumpled, a thin layer of sweat drying on my top lip.

‘Does it make you want to jump?’ she asks again before I can ask her what she wants. ‘Like when you’re on a bridge or on a platform and you can hear the train coming and think, I could jump.’

Yes, I almost say, but stop myself again.

She shrugs, tucking her hands into the pockets of her blazer. ‘You’re not the only one.’

Really? I thought there was something wrong with me.

‘Some say it’s healthy.’

Healthy?