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Back This Time Will Be Different Save as PDF
Chapters (77)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part I
  6. 3
  7. The History of My Beef with Brynn Foer-Preston
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part I
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part I
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part II
  20. 13
  21. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part II
  22. 14
  23. 15
  24. 16
  25. 17
  26. 18
  27. 19
  28. The Complicated History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Imaginary Relationship with Her Nonexistent Dad
  29. 20
  30. 21
  31. 22
  32. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part III
  33. 23
  34. 24
  35. 25
  36. A Brief, Backward History of the McAllister Family, as Paraphrased from the San Jose Mercury News
  37. 26
  38. 27
  39. 28
  40. A Quick and Eerily Relevant History of Asians in America
  41. 29
  42. 30
  43. 31
  44. 32
  45. 33
  46. 34
  47. 35
  48. 36
  49. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part IV
  50. 37
  51. 38
  52. 39
  53. 40
  54. 41
  55. 42
  56. 43
  57. 44
  58. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part II (Or Maybe It’s a Prequel)
  59. 45
  60. 46
  61. 47
  62. 48
  63. 49
  64. 50
  65. 51
  66. 52
  67. 53
  68. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part III
  69. 54
  70. A Note from the Author
  71. Index of Flowers and their Meanings
  72. Acknowledgments
  73. About the Author
  74. Praise for This Time Will Be Different
  75. Books by Misa Sugiura
  76. Back Ad
  77. About the Publisher

I don’t know how she does it. I feel like I’ve been bungee jumping the whole time I’ve been listening to her: Righteous outrage. Remorseful sympathy. Outrage. Sympathy. And here I am again, back at outrage. “If you wanted to be a role model, you’d spend less time sucking up to Trey McAllister so that you can be ‘successful,’ and more time being honest about what his family did to ours. All you care about is what you want.”

There’s a long silence that I hope is the sound of my point hitting home. Mom closes her eyes and takes one yoga breath, but I can tell it’s not enough. She laser-eyes me and says, in a voice as cold and sharp as a steel blade, “You’re the one who needs to think about your family, CJ. You and Hannah playing at being social justice leaders—”

“I’m not playing at it, Mom. I’m working hard at it. It means something to me.”

But once again, she brushes my goals aside. “Even worse then. You’re working to make the McAllisters look bad so you can get what you want. Have you thought at all about how that affects anyone besides yourself? How it affects me, for example? Have you ever considered for a moment what the money from the sale could mean for us?”

I’m pissed enough now to sneer and say as nastily as I can, “A yacht?”

Mom looks like I’ve just slapped her. She swivels her chair back and forth for a moment and looks silently up at the ceiling. When she speaks again, her voice has lost its sharp edge. “I’ve hung on to Heart’s Desire ever since your grandfather died because he loved it so much. I hung on to it because I felt responsible for his death and because it felt like the only way I could make amends for accepting the job at McAllister. But let me tell you something, CJ. Heart’s Desire wasn’t doing well when he died, and it’s been hemorrhaging money—my money—for years. And did you think Hannah’s been living with us rent-free all these years just to keep you company? I pay for everything, CJ. I’ve been supporting her and what is essentially a hobby that costs tens of thousands of dollars a year. And I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired of it.”

I feel as if the ground under my feet is crumbling. I have nothing to say.