As she closed the door, all the air went out of the room. I looked at my fingers, bright yellow nail polish, at the ring of condensation, at my computer screen, all the work I’d done that didn’t mean anything. I could keep doing it. For years. Until my hands knotted up with arthritis and I got a hump in my back from too much time in front of a screen and my eyes went. I could keep doing it and that would be fine. More than fine. Safe. I could change my mind. Be careful. I was always careful. Even this trip, it was me being careful, it was for Lina, making Lina happy, looking after her when nobody else could.

I didn’t even want it, I thought, as I closed the document without saving it and stared at the screen, the flashing red and white box. I never had. It was about Lina. It was for her, for that laugh. But my eyes were hot, watering, and my throat was tight and suddenly I wanted it more than anything.

I wanted this. I wanted go somewhere shiny and big and noisy and completely different. Somewhere I didn’t know anybody, where I could do anything I wanted.

Somewhere it was impossible to be careful.

For three months. Maybe longer. Maybe forever. I didn’t want to be careful anymore. I wanted to be different.

Be careless, for once.

I took a breath and clicked on the red and white box.

14 MONDAY, JUNE

14

MONDAY, JUNE

I knew it was coming. Lina had told me. Keep an eye on the post, she’d texted. I know it’s just a formality but I’m stupid excited anyway!

It was so pretty—from the large, square envelope that felt like silk between my fingers, to the wishing well card tucked into the back. It was lilac and silver, and Lina’s and Matt’s names sparkled against the background. There were little silver stars in the corners and they got shinier and shinier as my eyes filled with tears. It arrived on a Friday but it took me until after work on Sunday to open it, and I wanted to call her straight away to tell her it had arrived, tell her how beautiful it was and how much I wanted to go, but instead I went to the casino with Holly and drank cocktails until my fingers went numb and I couldn’t feel anything, inside or out.

‘This damn city,’ I sighed, staring at the skyscrapers across the water, black and tall, studded with lights, perfectly in focus. It was too clear for how cold it was, or maybe that was why it was so cold.

‘It’s nice,’ Tom said, next to me, handing me a bottle of vodka. ‘I like this view.’

I shrugged. ‘It’s okay.’

He looked at me. ‘Just okay?’