I’d promised her that I’d look after her. That I’d always be there for her. I’d promised myself.

She’d tried to tell me about her mum, that she wasn’t all right, that she needed help, and I’d ignored her, brushed her off. I hadn’t paid enough attention to what she was saying. I’d been careless, thoughtless.

I promised myself. I’d pay more attention; I’d be more aware.

I promised I’d be more careful. About everything.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, between tears. ‘I’m so sorry.’

Lina rubbed my back and said it was okay, over and over, but I wasn’t apologising to her. It wasn’t her forgiveness I needed, and the realisation just made me cry harder.

32 THURSDAY, OCTOBER

32

THURSDAY, OCTOBER

I slept.

I didn’t sleep.

Some nights I had nightmares—I could never remember them, but I could feel that familiar sickness in my stomach—and I’d lie there awake and it was so quiet I didn’t know how much time had passed and it was terrifying, still, but then I’d sleep and when I woke up I couldn’t remember why.

I didn’t walk; not at night. During the day I walked around the block or to the service station on the main road, but at night I had nowhere to go.

Some nights I went out and stood in the middle of the street, looking around at all the quiet houses, smoking cigarettes—it was the only time I did anymore—sure if anyone saw me they’d think I was crazy but sure no-one would see me, and they’d be right anyway. Stood there, with nowhere to go, waiting, not sure if I was hopeful or petrified of what would happen next.

I saw Georgia again and again. I told her about Careful Caitie. About how at first she just worried about Lina, wanted to help her, to make sure nothing bad ever happened to her again.

And then she started worrying about other things. About herself. She kept thinking about Jenny, what had made her the way she was, driven her to do what she did, worried about the same thing happening to her. She worried about caring too much, feeling too much, loving too much, like Jenny had, and so she created a world in which she wouldn’t, in which she was safe.

And, still, she worried about Lina. Even when it became clear that Lina was okay, she worried about her more than anything. She planned a whole trip just to make Lina happy, ignoring the fact that Lina was already happy, because she worried about what it would mean if Lina was happy, if Lina didn’t need her anymore.

She was so careful. So safe.

And then one time she wasn’t, and everything fell apart.