I wanted something else.

I called Lina, told her first.

‘Are you sure, Caitie?’ She sounded worried.

‘I am, Leen.’

‘Now?’ she asked. ‘Can you wait until—’

‘I can’t.’ I couldn’t. I didn’t know why. I’d made the decision and I had to do it before I changed my mind. ‘I have to try, at least.’

And then I called Nic.

33 TUESDAY, OCTOBER

33

TUESDAY, OCTOBER

It was a package deal.

I couldn’t drive, so if I was going back to Sawyer’s, even part-time, I had to go back to the cat-piss house, which still wasn’t a house but I knew would still smell of cat piss—so much more strongly now because I was used to the smell of Lina’s deodorant and Matt’s shower gel and the fresh-cut flowers Lina brought home from the markets every Saturday.

Lina offered to take me and help me get settled in, but I worried that if she did I’d change my mind and come straight back with her, so in the end I asked if Matt would drive me. He even took a few hours off work so he could. ‘Not that he wants you to leave,’ she said. ‘It’s just easier during the day.’

‘I know.’

‘You don’t have to go.’ She picked up a hoodie I hadn’t packed yet, sat down on the bed holding it. ‘You could find a job closer or a day job. Matt likes having you around. I don’t think he’d care if you stayed.’

I nodded. I knew all of that. It wasn’t the first time she’d said it and it wasn’t the first time I’d thought about it. I’d thought about it a lot. I’d talked to Georgia about it, how tempting it was to start over, the way I had after the accident; to walk away and pretend nothing had happened.

But, I’d said, my eyes watering, I can’t just keep starting over. At some point, I have to deal with things, don’t I?

But it wasn’t just that.

I missed Sawyer’s. The warmth of the timber and the orange glow of the lights in their industrial cages. The bluesy instrumentals and the smell of pork shoulder dissolving slowly in a barely warm oven. Nic. Holly. Rachel, even though I’d never admit it to anyone else.

‘What about Dex?’

Not him.

I took a breath, looking out the window into Lina’s backyard and the backyards beyond. I couldn’t decide if they were too empty or just right. I hadn’t thought about Dex. It was as though he’d never existed.

I bit my lip. ‘I don’t know, Leen.’

I felt cold, suddenly. More tired than I’d felt in a while.

I have to try, I’d said to Georgia. And I did—even if it was hard.