I paused. I could. But I didn’t know how to say I wasn’t sleeping because my best friend was getting married in Bali. I was supposed to be happy for her.

Most of the others would understand—flying was dangerous, and once you were there Indonesia was a hotbed of earthquakes and tsunamis and terrorism and black-market alcohol made with lighter fluid—but I didn’t know how to say it. I couldn’t.

‘It happens sometimes,’ I said. It had happened before. After the accident. After Dex. ‘I’m sure it’ll pass.’

It happened, and then it passed. Everything would be fine.

‘There was that thing in Centennial Park last week, did you see that?’ Louise asked, in a tone that suggested she was trying to help. ‘The guy in the Daffy Duck mask flashing joggers? I only caught the end of the news story but it was so creepy.’

I frowned, wondering if that was supposed to make me feel better. ‘I think so.’ I may have heard something on the radio in the staffroom, but I hadn’t paid much attention. Still, now that she said it, I felt it, as viscerally as if I was there, felt the fear of what happened next. ‘Maybe it’s just that,’ I said, letting it wash over me, letting it numb the guilty spot in my gut.

Not long after the accident, I’d told Lina about the Thoughts. I’d told her that I kept feeling like I was going to die, that I was convinced of it, and some days it was like I couldn’t breathe because all I could think about was how it would feel. She’d looked at me with the strangest, saddest expression. God, Cait, she’d said. You can’t think like that. As though I could just stop.

Nobody said that here. Nobody told me to get over it or looked at me with that expression. Sometimes the nurses would let the mask fall as they were on their way out, but it was easier here. Safer. I felt nearly normal.

Lina asked about the Thoughts a few months later, and I told her they’d passed. Good, she said, then changed the subject. The next time she texted I’d told her I was busy. I was suddenly busy more and more; it felt like it was better that way, for both of us. Easier. Safer.

9 FRIDAY, MAY

9

FRIDAY, MAY