I still couldn’t read her expression. ‘Do you want him?’

I closed my eyes. That same dull ache, but it wasn’t need. It was bigger. Better. Scarier.

Want.

‘Yes.’

‘So … maybe that’s what you’re doing once you get home.’

I felt a rush of fear, but I smiled anyway. ‘Maybe.’

I had another cocktail. We talked about the wedding, and babies, and then work, and when we finished I was drunk, for the first time in months. I wasn’t sure I liked it. When I fell into bed, my head spun, and when I dreamed it was too realistic, too big.

I dreamed of flying, of walking, down streets I didn’t know, that I’d only seen on postcards. I dreamed of beaches and the wind on my skin and my heart beating. Of being warm, held tight. I dreamed. I heard laughter. Voices. One so familiar and so close that I dreamed I woke up, confused, more confused when I could still hear it. I dreamed I got out of bed and opened the door of my villa and I couldn’t see anything but I could still hear it, whatever it was, over the faint sound of love songs drifting across the pool from the bar.

I dreamed. I wanted.

37 THURSDAY, NOVEMBER

37

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER

I woke up to birds singing and another blue sky, and a postcard, slipped under my door. The Empire State Building, lit up in red, white and blue. It looked at once new and old, like it had been treasured for a long time.

Cait,

I’m so glad you did this with me. I’m so glad you’re going to be my maid of honour. Thank you. Thank you so much—for trying, for doing it.

Have a beautiful day. I’ll see you tonight.

L xxx

PS Did you know the Empire State Building was built in 410 days? Well, now you do. Love you. Thank you.

When the tears came this time, I let them. I wasn’t sad, I realised, with a shock. I was just feeling everything, all the things I’d tried not to feel for so long. And it was too much, but it was also just the right amount.

Lina had gone to the airport to meet Matt, and it was the first time I’d been on my own in days. I went out to get breakfast, sat at a table by the beach and watched the waves roll in, the sand so pale it shimmered. My head hurt and I realised I was hungover. It was an unfamiliar state and I’d forgotten how to do it, didn’t like it.