It was already gone, if it had ever been there at all.

Okay, I thought, as I drifted off. Everything was okay. Better.

Everything was perfect. I just had to be careful.

22 TUESDAY, JULY

22

TUESDAY, JULY

I went back again. Forced myself to be careful, to keep going. Tom didn’t seem to mind, told me to have fun and say hi to Lina. A part of me wondered if he was relieved.

Frannie was talking about her son’s birthday. She’d planned something huge, with themed food and a jumping castle and a face painter, and her words tumbled out of her mouth, one on top of another, in waves, and in between they’d run out and she’d stop and look around and it was as though she’d forgotten where she was. The first time it happened I felt something dark brush up against my insides, the spark of a memory, but it took her finishing her story and staring blankly at the wall behind me to figure out what she’d reminded me of.

Lina’s mum. Afterwards.

She would be fine, a little jumpy but fine, and then her eyebrows would move, just a fraction, just for a second, and it was as though she’d remembered something she’d been trying to forget. Lina caught it too, every time; her face would change, and she’d start talking, too fast, too much.

Hey, Mum, I have some holidays coming up and I was thinking we should go to Fiji again. Remember the breakfast buffet? I have been dreaming about those waffles for weeks. Let me look into flights. It’s no big deal, but it would be fun, wouldn’t it?

So I was going to surprise you for your birthday but I bought us tickets to Wicked. We’ll have dinner in the city first. There’s this great Italian place in the Strand Arcade. Meant to be amazing, isn’t it, Cait?

Mum, Cath at work was asking about your orange cinnamon spice cake. I was telling her how you used to make it for Easter every year and it was the best thing ever. And that icing. Do you think you could write the recipe down for me?

Hey, Mum, do you remember when my first tooth got wobbly and I tried to pull it out on a doorknob because I saw it on TV? You were so mad.

Anything, just to bring her back.

I liked Jenny, I’d always liked Jenny, but afterwards it was hard to be near her. There was something in her eyes I didn’t like seeing.

I felt cold, wrapped my hoodie tighter around myself, stifled a yawn I hadn’t felt coming. When I looked at Frannie she looked normal again, her face still and calm and thoughtful.