Trains weren’t safe either, I thought. They seemed it, but there had been so many disasters—Granville, Glenbrook, Waterfall—and that was just in Sydney. I wondered how many people died in the subways of New York. Probably a lot. I’d been right not to go.

‘You okay?’ Paulie asked.

Carlos stopped at the sound of Paulie’s voice, looked at me. They all looked at me, faces full of concern and barely hidden curiosity.

I nodded, not sure what else to do.

‘Been dying long?’ He was so flippant, like it was nothing.

I looked around. Paulie waited. They all waited. ‘Not long. I think it’ll pass but my doctor thought it might be good to come here.’ I glanced at Bernie. She was making notes on her clipboard. ‘To do something.’

To be careful. I was having trouble being careful. I’d been careless with Dex, and thankfully he’d ended it before anything bad could happen, but it hurt so much. I had to be more careful.

‘That’s why we’re here.’ Bernie smiled, eyes darting around the room but not meeting anybody else’s, slightly nervous. ‘We do recommend that this is just a part of a—’

Geoff scoffed, and she hesitated.

‘We’ll get to that,’ she said hurriedly. ‘For now, this is a great first step. Welcome.’

I nodded, looked around. All so normal. All fine, just careful. This would help.

‘Thanks.’

34 WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER

34

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER

I came in early; so early Nic wasn’t there yet. Everything was so familiar—the timber, the lights; the smell of fresh coffee not quite overriding that of stale milk, bacon and slow-roasted garlic wafting up from the kitchen; the sound of knives on boards, of carrots splintering into sticks, onions being peeled, generic, low-tempo dance music and the mumbled chatter of the prep cooks. I got changed slowly in front of an empty locker, put my things inside it, rolled a cigarette and went out into the back alley to smoke it.

It was bin day. I could smell it.

‘Welcome back.’

I turned around. I hadn’t heard anybody come out.

Everything was the same, and when Nic hugged me, so tight I could barely breathe and I worried I was going to set him on fire, that felt the same too. My eyes filled up and I held on to him regardless.

‘You look good,’ he said, when I pulled away. ‘I like your hair.’

I wiped my eyes with my hand, put my cigarette back in my mouth. ‘Thanks.’

Lina had taken me to get it cut. Nicely, she’d said when she’d suggested it, watching me twist it into a bun for the hundredth time, brush the loose strands from my face. Before you take to it with a pair of scissors again.