I was free. I could do whatever I wanted. For the first time in years, since we were teenagers, I didn’t have to think about her, worry about her.

I could do anything, and it made me feel sick. There was something in the hollow of my chest, almost too big. I took a breath. When I glanced back at the screen, the red and white rectangle screamed BOOK NOW. My eyes got hot, my throat tightened.

‘You should. I need to make a decision.’

I had a lot of leave banked. In four years I’d only taken a single holiday—a Friday and a Monday, for Lina’s birthday one year, because she’d wanted to go up the coast and drink wine in a holiday house. When I’d floated the idea of three months off with Annaliese at the start of the year, she’d been fine with it, so long as I gave her plenty of notice—we’ll need time to hire three people to do your job—but that was before Carly got pregnant. I hadn’t given her any dates, so she’d probably pushed it to the back of her mind as a thing that would likely never happen. And now maybe it never would.

I’d been so careful. My whole life. I’d been so careful and suddenly it felt like a prison. I felt trapped, sick. Angry.

I felt so angry.

BOOK NOW.

I inhaled. The room spun, shrank. The converted warehouse suddenly felt too small, too empty of air, boring and insignificant.

‘I don’t think I can.’

She shifted, surprised.

‘I’m going to do this trip I was telling you about. Three months from February.’

The words felt strange coming out of my mouth, reverberated around my head, bounced off the walls. I couldn’t quite believe I was saying them.

A frown flickered across Annaliese’s face, disappeared. ‘Oh, that’s right,’ she said. ‘I’d forgotten about that. New York, yeah?’

I nodded slowly.

‘I fucking love New York. Hugh and I used to go every year before the kids.’

I smiled, felt sick.

She picked up her cup. It left a ring of condensation on my desk and I traced it with my eyes, shifting focus. Around and around and around. So sick. Dizzy.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, not sure who I was saying it to.

‘It’s fine. Liv will be thrilled, anyway. I’ll make sure she buys you a really nice going-away present.’

I laughed. ‘It’s only three months.’

‘So you say. It could be longer.’

I went cold. Colder. She didn’t say anything else, just gave me a knowing look and walked into her office.