‘Of course it is. I’m so happy for you.’ I looked away. The food was getting cold but I wasn’t hungry anymore. This wasn’t about me. This had never been about me, but the thought of Lina in some cookie-cutter shoebox in the suburbs made me shiver, no matter how cute the island bench was. ‘I just thought you wanted to …’

‘I did. I do. I mean who doesn’t want to road-trip across the States? It’s like something we’re all conditioned to want to do by television. It’s a fantasy. But this is forever, you know?’

I nodded. I did, and it made me feel sick, for a hundred reasons.

‘God, Cait …’ She smiled, but she looked serious. ‘I know how much effort you put into this for me. Honestly, it’s meant so much. All that planning. You’re fucking amazing. And I know you were excited too, and I’m sorry.’

I bit my lip.

‘But you don’t have to do it now. You can do whatever you want. You can apply for that job I sent you a couple of weeks ago.’

I frowned, barely remembering. I thought she’d sent it as a joke, hadn’t even read the ad.

‘Or call that hot surgeon again, or anything you want.’

I must have looked strange—I felt strange; confused, tired—because she stopped. Why was I so tired suddenly?

‘Can we still go somewhere?’ she asked, after a long pause. ‘Maybe in a couple of years? A shorter trip? I won’t make you plan it all again, don’t worry. I’ll do it.’

I hesitated, then reached for the bowl of rice. ‘It’s okay, Leen.’ I forced my hand not to shake as I filled my bowl. ‘It was a ridiculous plan anyway.’

A fantasy.

‘No it wasn’t. It was fun. And I loved planning it with you.’

I nodded. That was the point. That had always been the point.

‘Thank you, Caitie.’

I put down the rice and reached for the curry. It wasn’t even steaming anymore. ‘It’s okay.’

She put a forkful of chicken in her mouth and chewed. Swallowed. ‘Are you mad?’

‘Of course not, Leen,’ I said. ‘I’m just glad you’re happy. I still can’t believe you bought a house.’

She tried not to smile, but it broke through anyway, and as I poured green curry over my rice she started talking about twin showers and bamboo flooring and I let her. She sounded so happy, and I wanted to be happy for her, but something in my chest had gone hard, and I couldn’t loosen it up.

8 TUESDAY, MAY

8

TUESDAY, MAY

‘I can’t sleep.’