Jenny was sick, and Lina hated being there, hated seeing her like that, so we decided to go somewhere else. Somewhere loud and shiny. I thought she wanted to. I thought I was helping her. I promised I would look after her, make it better. I wanted to take her away.

I was so careful, afterwards. I was always so careful. I didn’t want it to happen to me, didn’t want to hurt like she hurt. I was safe. I did all the right things, all the safe things.

I looked after Lina. I was going to take her away, help her, like I hadn’t been able to that day. It was all for Lina …

Until it wasn’t. Until it was for me. Until I wanted it, so much it hurt. I wanted the noise, the lights, the roar. The wildness, the craziness. I wanted it so much I was willing to give up everything for it.

I was careless. Just once. Just for a second, and it ruined everything.

I had to be more careful. I tried to be careful but I wasn’t careful enough. I needed to try harder.

I walked. And I walked. And I couldn’t remember getting home.

25 WEDNESDAY, AUGUST

25

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST

‘You okay, Caitlin?’

I blinked. Nic was looking at me. ‘Yeah.’

I wasn’t, and I’d forgotten how to fake it. I hadn’t slept. Not for a second. There was a shake in my words and my hands and that thing rolled up and down my spine constantly. Tom had called in the morning but I hadn’t answered. Hey, his voicemail message said. I just wanted to make sure you got home okay.

Then a pause.

I missed you. I’m sorry about last night. I got scared and paranoid and I—

Another pause, pulling himself back.

I’m glad you told me. Can we talk tonight?

A sigh.

Anyway, call me. Or I’ll see you at Sawyer’s. I finish at ten. I miss you. I—

Then his breath, catching.

Have a good day, Cait.

Then a click, and the robotic voice on my phone asking me if I wanted to listen again. And I did, over and over, and every time his breath caught in that same moment mine did. I wanted to know what he was going to say and every time he didn’t say it my heart hurt. I itched to talk to him, couldn’t stop thinking about it. Aching for it and dreading it at the same time.

‘Caitie?’

I made mistake after mistake. Little ones that nobody else noticed. The wrong wines, too much sugar syrup, skim instead of full cream.