BooksBarbecue
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Chapters (75)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. About the Author
  4. Title Page
  5. Intoroduction
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EITHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. SIXTEEN
  22. SEVENTEEN
  23. EIGHTEEN
  24. NINETEEN
  25. TWENTY
  26. TWENTY-ONE
  27. TWENTY-TWO
  28. TWENTY-THREE
  29. TWENTY-FOUR
  30. TWENTY-FIVE
  31. TWENTY-SIX
  32. TWENTY-SEVEN
  33. TWENTY-EIGHT
  34. TWENTY-NINE
  35. THIRTY
  36. THIRTY-ONE
  37. THIRTY-TWO
  38. THIRTY-THREE
  39. THIRTY-FOUR
  40. THIRTY-FIVE
  41. THIRTY-SIX
  42. THIRTY-SEVEN
  43. THIRTY-EIGHT
  44. THIRTY-NINE
  45. FORTY
  46. FORTY-ONE
  47. FORTY-TWO
  48. FORTY-THREE
  49. FORTY-FOUR
  50. FORTY-FIVE
  51. FORTY-SIX
  52. FORTY-SEVEN
  53. FORTY-EIGHT
  54. FORTY-NINE
  55. FIFTY
  56. FIFTY-ONE
  57. FIFTY-TWO
  58. FIFTY-THREE
  59. FIFTY-FOUR
  60. FIFTY-FIVE
  61. FIFTY-SIX
  62. FIFTY-SEVEN
  63. FIFTY-EIGHT
  64. FIFTY-NINE
  65. SIXTY
  66. SIXTY-ONE
  67. SIXTY-TWO
  68. SIXTY-THREE
  69. SIXTY-FOUR
  70. SIXTY-FIVE
  71. SIXTY-SIX
  72. SIXTY-SEVEN
  73. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  74. CLIMATE EMERGENCY
  75. Copyright

I want to tell him that it was the best weekend for ages, that I spent the weekend feeling like myself again, and that I came home with things to plant in a garden; things that would grow into something that someone might like. I want to tell him that I felt, for a while, a feeling like I fitted in somewhere, fitted in with all the the pictures and salt and pepper shakers, all the other stuff that is what family is. But when I came home, all I felt was that that wasn’t possible. Because everything that is my family has been taken away from me, and that I can’t have any of it anymore, and that I don’t fit in with what’s left over.

I want to make him understand that all of this is feeding a bonfire so big in my stomach, my chest, my limbs; a bonfire that burns so hot that I can’t touch anyone, and when it’s burning I don’t feel like me. When the fire is burning I feel like something bigger, something more powerful.

And I want to tell him that the thing that is burning feels good.

And I want to tell him that this scares me.

THIRTY-SEVEN

THIRTY SEVEN

‘Hi, love. Look who I ran into on the driveway.’ Mum is coming in with the shopping. I walk through from the kitchen to help her.

‘Took one for the team yesterday, Josh? If you’ll pardon the expression. How’s the nose?’ Mr Walters face appears behind Mum in the doorway. He smiles, two shopping bags in each hand.

‘It’s OK, thanks.’ The shock at seeing him here is overtaken by my manners. He looks somehow different outside of school. Somehow smaller without his room around him, but taking up more space.

‘Mr Walters says you missed the session this afternoon. Is that right?’

‘Not to worry, Josh, I’m sure you had other homework to be getting on with. English or something.’ I’m not sure, but I think Mr Walters winks at me.

‘Yeah. Right.’ My weak reply.

‘Not to worry at all. I was looking for that textbook so I could bring it by. I pass your house on the way home. But I couldn’t find the one you were using.’

‘It’s here, Sir. Upstairs. I must have put it in my bag after last week. Sorry.’

‘Never apologise for keenness, Josh. I was grabbing a spare from my boot when your mum pulled into the driveway.’

‘Oh. OK.’ I’m unsure why I’m owed such a technical explanation.

Mr Walters has dumped the shopping bags on the kitchen table. Mum’s gone out for the others. We’re alone. He stands with his hands on his hips, looking awkward.

‘So, here we are. A bit weird, having your teacher in your house, isn’t it?’

I smile, shrug.