BooksBarbecue
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Chapters (75)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. About the Author
  4. Title Page
  5. Intoroduction
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EITHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. SIXTEEN
  22. SEVENTEEN
  23. EIGHTEEN
  24. NINETEEN
  25. TWENTY
  26. TWENTY-ONE
  27. TWENTY-TWO
  28. TWENTY-THREE
  29. TWENTY-FOUR
  30. TWENTY-FIVE
  31. TWENTY-SIX
  32. TWENTY-SEVEN
  33. TWENTY-EIGHT
  34. TWENTY-NINE
  35. THIRTY
  36. THIRTY-ONE
  37. THIRTY-TWO
  38. THIRTY-THREE
  39. THIRTY-FOUR
  40. THIRTY-FIVE
  41. THIRTY-SIX
  42. THIRTY-SEVEN
  43. THIRTY-EIGHT
  44. THIRTY-NINE
  45. FORTY
  46. FORTY-ONE
  47. FORTY-TWO
  48. FORTY-THREE
  49. FORTY-FOUR
  50. FORTY-FIVE
  51. FORTY-SIX
  52. FORTY-SEVEN
  53. FORTY-EIGHT
  54. FORTY-NINE
  55. FIFTY
  56. FIFTY-ONE
  57. FIFTY-TWO
  58. FIFTY-THREE
  59. FIFTY-FOUR
  60. FIFTY-FIVE
  61. FIFTY-SIX
  62. FIFTY-SEVEN
  63. FIFTY-EIGHT
  64. FIFTY-NINE
  65. SIXTY
  66. SIXTY-ONE
  67. SIXTY-TWO
  68. SIXTY-THREE
  69. SIXTY-FOUR
  70. SIXTY-FIVE
  71. SIXTY-SIX
  72. SIXTY-SEVEN
  73. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  74. CLIMATE EMERGENCY
  75. Copyright

‘He gets these … I don’t know. They’re dreams I guess. But he’s not asleep. Sometimes I find him when I get back from school sitting on the edge of his bed, or my bed – we share a room you know – and he’s just… staring. Staring at the wall. This one time I came home and found him like that and went to make him a cup of tea for when he came round, and when I got downstairs I heard this wailing from our room. Sounded like some bitch or something. So I run back upstairs and he’s still sitting there, but yelling. He’s clawing at his scars and there’s water running down his face – sweat, tears, whatever. And so I go to grab his arm and stop him. But he picks me up like I’m nothing, throws me against the wall. I don’t think he even saw me, so I get up and try again. This time he’s a bit more… there, a bit more present in his eyes, and he does see me. But I don’t think he knew it was me because he lets me have it with this massive right hook that sends me flying into the wall again. I went so fast I left a dent in the plasterboard. It’s still there. Vince has seen it – it’s the exact size of my head, right, Vince?’

Vince laughs his growling laugh, tips more vodka down his throat. ‘Yeah. Fuckin’ legend.’

‘But he’s alright, my brother.’ Alan puts a hand on the back of my neck as he says this. ‘He’s alright now. He’s found a way to get better. To make everything better. He’ll be fine.’

Again, I feel like Alan’s words are rehearsed, and that they’re not meant solely for me.

THIRTY-THREE

THIRTY THREE

We arrive at school a few minutes before the start of lunchtime and wait in the bushes opposite the front gates, wrapped in conspiracy and laughing occasionally, until we hear the bell. Once the front playground has started to fill up, we slip quickly into the crowd and stand over a group of Year Eights until they get up and give us their picnic bench.

For the first time, it feels good to not be wearing the cloud. I feel powerful, in control, and most of all, I feel visible. And the people who can all see me now know that I’m powerful.

I’ve still not eaten anything and my stomach is churning, so I mutter something about this and go inside to the canteen, emerging a few minutes later with two slices of pizza which I devour rapidly. Feeling slightly better, I look up to see what Alan and Vince are talking about, and am surprised to see that Dana has joined us.

‘Hi,’ I splutter, bits of pizza spraying everywhere.