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Chapters (75)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. About the Author
  4. Title Page
  5. Intoroduction
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EITHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. SIXTEEN
  22. SEVENTEEN
  23. EIGHTEEN
  24. NINETEEN
  25. TWENTY
  26. TWENTY-ONE
  27. TWENTY-TWO
  28. TWENTY-THREE
  29. TWENTY-FOUR
  30. TWENTY-FIVE
  31. TWENTY-SIX
  32. TWENTY-SEVEN
  33. TWENTY-EIGHT
  34. TWENTY-NINE
  35. THIRTY
  36. THIRTY-ONE
  37. THIRTY-TWO
  38. THIRTY-THREE
  39. THIRTY-FOUR
  40. THIRTY-FIVE
  41. THIRTY-SIX
  42. THIRTY-SEVEN
  43. THIRTY-EIGHT
  44. THIRTY-NINE
  45. FORTY
  46. FORTY-ONE
  47. FORTY-TWO
  48. FORTY-THREE
  49. FORTY-FOUR
  50. FORTY-FIVE
  51. FORTY-SIX
  52. FORTY-SEVEN
  53. FORTY-EIGHT
  54. FORTY-NINE
  55. FIFTY
  56. FIFTY-ONE
  57. FIFTY-TWO
  58. FIFTY-THREE
  59. FIFTY-FOUR
  60. FIFTY-FIVE
  61. FIFTY-SIX
  62. FIFTY-SEVEN
  63. FIFTY-EIGHT
  64. FIFTY-NINE
  65. SIXTY
  66. SIXTY-ONE
  67. SIXTY-TWO
  68. SIXTY-THREE
  69. SIXTY-FOUR
  70. SIXTY-FIVE
  71. SIXTY-SIX
  72. SIXTY-SEVEN
  73. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  74. CLIMATE EMERGENCY
  75. Copyright

And with a sigh, shared with Mum, she says I can go.

Unless, she adds, there’s anything else I want to tell her.

At this point my heart hammers in my chest, desperate to shout out the truth about what I know. The officer sits on the other side of the desk, looking at me somehow as if she already has a pretty good idea. Maybe she even knows who Martin is. My heart is telling me that this is the place to do it, and the time, but I swallow those thoughts down hard, unable to erase the sight of Carl’s fierce eyes, his snake-like, threatening voice, the way that voice has wormed its way inside my head.

And, perhaps, because I know – in another part of me that seems to have stopped working – that the plan needs to go ahead and it’s just me that’s the problem.

So, with one last searching look from the police officer, we leave the police station and head home. Or at least I think we’re going home. But we don’t. Mum pulls out onto the main road and starts driving in the opposite direction. Away from home. Away from school.

It takes at least ten minutes to realise where we’re going. To realise that we’ve started following the red ‘H’ signs at every roundabout.

When I do work it out, my heart hammers at my chest all over again.

FORTY-FOUR

FORTY FOUR

Jamie is in his own room on the children’s ward. When we go in, he’s lying back on a big pile of pillows, watching morning television. Any other situation, and I’d make a joke about the teddy bears on his pillow cases, or the multi-coloured butterflies painted up the walls. His left leg, encased in a blue cast, is propped up on still more teddy-bear pillows. He turns his head as we enter.

‘He’s still a bit sluggish after the operation, aren’t you, Jamie?’ says the nurse as she lets us in.

Jamie gives a half-smile – to the nurse and Mum, not to me – and goes back to looking at the TV.

‘I’ll be outside, Josh. You need to do this,’ Mum whispers as the door closes slowly behind me on its sterile hinges.

For a few seconds, we maintain the silence, both staring at the familiar TV studio and the overly smiling presenters.

‘Jamie, I—’

‘Don’t.’

I take a step closer to the bed. ‘Does it hurt?’ And when there’s no response, ‘Stupid question. Sorry.’

‘That’s a start.’

‘I don’t know what was going on yesterday. I was … out of it. I wasn’t myself.’