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Chapters (75)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. About the Author
  4. Title Page
  5. Intoroduction
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EITHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. SIXTEEN
  22. SEVENTEEN
  23. EIGHTEEN
  24. NINETEEN
  25. TWENTY
  26. TWENTY-ONE
  27. TWENTY-TWO
  28. TWENTY-THREE
  29. TWENTY-FOUR
  30. TWENTY-FIVE
  31. TWENTY-SIX
  32. TWENTY-SEVEN
  33. TWENTY-EIGHT
  34. TWENTY-NINE
  35. THIRTY
  36. THIRTY-ONE
  37. THIRTY-TWO
  38. THIRTY-THREE
  39. THIRTY-FOUR
  40. THIRTY-FIVE
  41. THIRTY-SIX
  42. THIRTY-SEVEN
  43. THIRTY-EIGHT
  44. THIRTY-NINE
  45. FORTY
  46. FORTY-ONE
  47. FORTY-TWO
  48. FORTY-THREE
  49. FORTY-FOUR
  50. FORTY-FIVE
  51. FORTY-SIX
  52. FORTY-SEVEN
  53. FORTY-EIGHT
  54. FORTY-NINE
  55. FIFTY
  56. FIFTY-ONE
  57. FIFTY-TWO
  58. FIFTY-THREE
  59. FIFTY-FOUR
  60. FIFTY-FIVE
  61. FIFTY-SIX
  62. FIFTY-SEVEN
  63. FIFTY-EIGHT
  64. FIFTY-NINE
  65. SIXTY
  66. SIXTY-ONE
  67. SIXTY-TWO
  68. SIXTY-THREE
  69. SIXTY-FOUR
  70. SIXTY-FIVE
  71. SIXTY-SIX
  72. SIXTY-SEVEN
  73. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  74. CLIMATE EMERGENCY
  75. Copyright

I say ‘just’. I have forgotten why I ever found any of this funny. Cartoons of Nazis and concentration camps crudely drawn; short, looped videos of people crying in a way that’s supposed to sound weird and therefore funny. I’ve heard and seen enough people cry in the past few years to know that it’s never funny, that complete loss of control, the descent into such all-encompassing sadness that you lose any kind of grip on yourself and how you ‘should’ be acting.

After realising there’s nothing I need to do to keep up appearances, I write ‘Happy New Year’ and turn the phone off again, then swap the SIMs over. I place the new one – the secret one – carefully in the drawer of my bedside cabinet. Thinking of a better idea, I get some Blu-Tac from a poster on my wall and stick it to the side of the drawer, right in the back corner so you have to put your whole arm inside up to the elbow to get to it.

I tell myself that I’ll check it’s there every three days.

FIFTY-FOUR

FIFTY FOUR

The problem of how to spend the next week and a half until school starts again is solved, in part, by a ring at the door the next day.

It’s Jamie.

Mum invites him in and he swings along the hallway on his crutches, giving me a quick and unfixable look as I come down the stairs. He’s telling Mum that the cast will be off in a few weeks, and he’s had a lovely Christmas thanks, and that he wanted to talk to me about something if that’s OK.

‘Of course, I’ll leave you to it.’ Mum disappears upstairs.

‘Hi,’ I say, weakly.

‘My mum said I needed to get out of the house. I thought about not coming here, but then there I was, hobbling up to your door.’

‘Are you alright?’

‘Not bad. This thing comes off soon.’ He taps his cast.

‘I heard. Two weeks.’

‘Two weeks.’

We sit in silence for a while.

‘Did you have a good Christmas?’

‘I didn’t drop in for a polite but meaningless chat, Josh.’

‘No. Of course.’

‘That thing that happened a few weeks ago. That was really weird.’

‘I know.’

‘I can’t force you to tell me what’s going on. I don’t want another broken leg.’ There’s the faintest glimmer of a smile. ‘But I don’t know what to do. You weren’t exactly complaining about being dragged off, and—’

‘It wasn’t the best thing that’s happened to me either,’ I hiss, aware that Mum might hear us. ‘I didn’t know that was going to happen.’