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Chapters (75)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. About the Author
  4. Title Page
  5. Intoroduction
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EITHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. SIXTEEN
  22. SEVENTEEN
  23. EIGHTEEN
  24. NINETEEN
  25. TWENTY
  26. TWENTY-ONE
  27. TWENTY-TWO
  28. TWENTY-THREE
  29. TWENTY-FOUR
  30. TWENTY-FIVE
  31. TWENTY-SIX
  32. TWENTY-SEVEN
  33. TWENTY-EIGHT
  34. TWENTY-NINE
  35. THIRTY
  36. THIRTY-ONE
  37. THIRTY-TWO
  38. THIRTY-THREE
  39. THIRTY-FOUR
  40. THIRTY-FIVE
  41. THIRTY-SIX
  42. THIRTY-SEVEN
  43. THIRTY-EIGHT
  44. THIRTY-NINE
  45. FORTY
  46. FORTY-ONE
  47. FORTY-TWO
  48. FORTY-THREE
  49. FORTY-FOUR
  50. FORTY-FIVE
  51. FORTY-SIX
  52. FORTY-SEVEN
  53. FORTY-EIGHT
  54. FORTY-NINE
  55. FIFTY
  56. FIFTY-ONE
  57. FIFTY-TWO
  58. FIFTY-THREE
  59. FIFTY-FOUR
  60. FIFTY-FIVE
  61. FIFTY-SIX
  62. FIFTY-SEVEN
  63. FIFTY-EIGHT
  64. FIFTY-NINE
  65. SIXTY
  66. SIXTY-ONE
  67. SIXTY-TWO
  68. SIXTY-THREE
  69. SIXTY-FOUR
  70. SIXTY-FIVE
  71. SIXTY-SIX
  72. SIXTY-SEVEN
  73. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  74. CLIMATE EMERGENCY
  75. Copyright

‘Demanding what, Josh? Blood? Heads on spikes? That’s the thinking that killed your dad. Do you really want that thinking to win? I can’t do anything with my anger, Josh, because it’s toxic. Anger kills things, either straight away or it makes them wither away to nothingness.’

Another long pause. I watch the tears dropping from my own face and seeping into the carpet between my feet.

I’m shocked by my next words. ‘I could have stopped it.’

Mum’s response is instant, ‘Don’t you dare start thinking like that.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You couldn’t have stopped it. Not at all. You couldn’t have known, couldn’t have imagined. So don’t start talking to me about it being your fault.’

‘But I…’

‘That science test? That conversation you two had about taking the day off, ditching work and doing the gutters? It wasn’t real, Josh. It was never an option. It was you two playing together, the way you always did. Every time before he went to London.’

‘How do you—’

Mum’s eyes are fierce and red. I don’t need to finish the question. She’s thought those thoughts too. Relived that last night as many times as I have. More. Has made herself responsible for something she couldn’t have stopped, hated herself, and come out the other side.

I decide right then what I have to do. It’s going to be difficult, turning things around, but I have to do it. I know where things need to go from here. I’m thinking again of the bucket rising slowly up the well, like it was in Jamie’s hospital room. Maybe I need help to haul it up the rest of the way. I reach out and take Mum’s hand across the coffee table.

‘I’ve shut myself off and I know I have.’ Mum starts again after taking a deep breath, as if she’s diving back into something. ‘I thought it was for the best and I knew it wasn’t but I couldn’t stop doing it. And I’m sorry. So, so sorry. You seemed to be doing OK. You looked like you were coping with it, moving on. I should have known it was in there, just waiting to get out.’

I hold back, again, from saying just how much has gotten out already.

‘And then these last months … there it is. The anger. But I’m here, Josh. I know I haven’t been, but I’m back now. I’ll stop seeing Mr Walters if it helps. And I want to help. I need to help.’

‘Yeah. Well, you can’t.’ I speak just above a whisper.

‘Why not? There’s a poison in you, Josh. And it’s a hateful, evil thing. You need to let someone help you or it’ll take over. Believe me.’