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Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I stumble to my feet, find the hose and turn it on full blast. I wash away the vomit and feel the cool water on my skin. This is a loose party. It’s an out-of-control party. It feels like a loose, out-of-control, medical student party.

Except that when I was a medical student the world was clear, the focus sharp. This is who you are, this is what you’ll be, this is where you draw your lines, and this is the slot you fit into. Here is your pre-determined path, so set forth, child, and walk confidently through your present and towards your glorious future. Here is north and south, and east and west. Here are your coordinates so you will never be lost.

I look up at the sky. It’s overcast, so I can’t see the stars, and the moon isn’t bright. All that is there is the shadow of the hospital, looming over the house. The sound from the party is fading, and I stand there, a tiny speck inside a cloak of black.

In the darkness, I could be anywhere.

NINE

nine

‘So you’re here to see Dr Prince?’ I clarify, simultaneously fighting rising frustration and a day-old hangover.

The man in front of me gives me a look that suggests he isn’t impressed. ‘Who are you?’ he demands.

He’s at least sixty and judging by his clothes he’s stepped straight off a farm.

‘We’ve driven six hours to be here,’ the woman with him—his wife, I assume—explains, looking anxious. ‘We thought we’d be seeing Professor Prince.’

‘Where is he?’ the farmer snaps. ‘Why are we talking to a nurse when I have an appointment to see the doctor?’

The mild ache behind my left eye is threatening to turn into a full-on migraine. Even though it’s Monday and our house party was on Saturday night, I still feel wretched. For a second I picture the state the house is still in, knowing I’ll be walking home to it this afternoon, and resist the urge to groan loudly. Winnie, Max, Estelle and I spent most of Sunday discussing whether Laura (Estelle knew her name), our intern comrade, needed (in the interests of collegiality) some fellow junior doctor support. I called Laura that night, but she said she was just drunk and didn’t remember saying anything. Estelle followed up with another call, which only made Laura angry and upset; she told Estelle in no uncertain terms that she was perfectly fine, that being a doctor was great, she was just drunk, and suggested we should all just fuck right off as she had her career as a future cardiologist to focus on, and a PhD to finish. Case closed.