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Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

‘God, Kit, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.’

‘No, no, it’s all right.’ I am numb, staring at the blood falling on the wood. ‘I’ll fix it.’

I limp into the bathroom, but instead of washing the blood away I just sit on the edge of the bath. I watch it drip onto the floor, the red shocking on the white ceramic, pooling on the bathroom tiles.

Out damned spot.

I lift my head up and gaze at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I hear Winnie, imploring me: Look in the mirror, Kitty. Look in the mirror and tell me what you see.

I see Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

Going under a white sea of Propofol.

Lost in blood and knives

And other people’s lives.

My intern is a poet.

I sit there, staring at myself in the mirror, the blood on my foot coagulating.

I wish I was skiing with Fabien, I think. I wish I was standing next to him on a ski slope, a bit tipsy after a peach schnapps or two, as he says, ‘Let’s just see where we end up, sexy bum!’

Let’s just see where we end up.

I bite my lip, tasting blood. Is this it? Is this where I’ve ended up?

In a daze, I wipe up the blood with some tissues, and limp up the stairs to my bedroom. I lie down and close my eyes, ignoring the light of the hospital streaming through the cracks in my shutters, and wait for the nightmares to come.

THIRTY-SEVEN

thirty-seven

I open my eyes the next morning and immediately close them again. Never, I think to myself, lying there with my eyes shut, have I been so close to full-blown melancholic depression. I feel like I’m in a very deep and dark ocean, swimming against the tide. The feeling is so strong that my limbs are heavy, and just the thought of dragging myself out of bed and into my new scrubs, with Holy Innocents Hospital Emergency Doctor inscribed on the pocket, fills me with lead.

Emergency. Casualty. A&E. The way people on TV carry on, you’d think A&E stood for Adventure and Excitement, not Accident and Emergency.

I spent time in emergency as a medical student, so I already have an idea of what’s waiting for me. The emergency department is another world. There are no windows and the fluorescent lights are bright 24/7, because it’s a place that literally never sleeps. Whether it’s 1 pm or 1 am, it feels the same. It’s like a chaotic morgue, where the patients are alive (mostly).