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Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Jesus. This is getting heavy. Okay, I understand that people might get into that kind of role play in the privacy of their own homes, but to do it in the operating theatre change room is too much. And I find the word ‘slut’ offensive.

‘Suck it, bitch.’

All of a sudden I want to vomit. I know who the voice belongs to. He’s only been making my life hell for the last eight months. It’s the Joker.

I stand there, paralysed. In my moment of indecision, which feels like an eternity, I hear the Joker panting and groaning his way through what sounds like the world’s most disgusting blow job. When it finally ends, I have my fingers in my ears. I can’t imagine what poor nurse would think it’s a good idea to go down on a man as revolting as that.

There’s some murmuring, and then the squeal of hinges as a door is opened. Thank God, they’re leaving.

I give them a few minutes’ head start then push open the door of the closet. I need to go home. I need to get out of this parallel universe of mops and dead babies and inquests and blow jobs and go the fuck back to bed.

As I step into the corridor, the door of the men’s change room swings open.

‘Katarina! What the fuck are you doing here? Aren’t you meant to be sick?’

I gape at her. I can’t believe it. It’s the Smiling Assassin.

THIRTY-FOUR

thirty-four

We both stand very still.

I stare in horror at the Smiling Assassin, who isn’t smiling now. Her eyes have such a frightening glint in them, I fear for a moment that she’s going to hit me.

‘Ah …’ At first I can’t speak. For the second time this evening, I’m rendered speechless. Then the words rush out in a flood, unfiltered. ‘You gave him a blow job? But he’s disgusting! He treats everyone like shit—he is a shit! I mean, seriously? A blow job in the men’s change rooms? What the actual fuck? Are you—’

‘You think I enjoy it?’ she hisses, cutting me off. ‘You actually think I enjoy doing that?’ Her eyes burn like coals. ‘It’s all right for you,’ she spits at me. ‘You don’t even care. You’ll never make it as a surgeon. You don’t have what it takes. You have to want it more than anything, and you have to give it everything. Don’t you get it? DON’T YOU FUCKING GET IT?!’

No, I think, staring at her. I definitely don’t get it.

‘But you’ve just sucked off the most horrible man I’ve ever met!’ I say incredulously. ‘Are you out of your fucking mind?’