BooksBarbecue
Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I stand there under the streetlight, the shadow of that damn hospital above us, and I let him step away from me. Don’t go, I want to scream. I am filled with a wild, irrational desire to shove my hand inside my chest and pull out my heart, with the blood running down my fingers. Don’t leave me, don’t leave this, don’t let this moment become just a memory! The crack in the universe is closing, and I am helpless to stop it. The words of T.S. Eliot return to me.

Footfalls echo in the memory

Down the passage we did not take

‘Safe drive home,’ I offer lamely.

So quiet. So controlled. The door is closed and we are back in the operating theatre once more.

Towards the door we never opened,

Into the rose-garden.

He drives away, one of the world’s top surgeons, after a few bottles of booze, some strong aquavit, and the world’s most potent kiss.

As I walk back into the house, nearly tripping over my front step, I can’t fight the funny feeling that the nuns, even though they’re shaking their heads, have deep down, just a little bit, enjoyed the show.

FORTY-TWO

forty-two

The next evening, I’m lying on my bed staring at the ceiling, feeling the inevitable sense of anticlimax that always follows after something incredibly exciting has happened. Where to from here? Jack and I texted a bit this morning, but it was all pretty G-rated. The fact he’s texting me at all is unusual, though, so maybe …

Maybe what, Dr Holliday? I ask myself sternly. An affair? Destruction of both our personal lives? Which would no doubt lead to the worst outcome of all: nothing. The loss of our friendship, if you could even call it that, and then never seeing each other again.

I sigh. Self-control only ever seems like a good idea sober and in hindsight. It’s hard to live in the moment and wisely at the same time.

I have just resolved to put the whole thing from my mind when I hear my phone ringing. I pick it up from the bedside table and look at the caller ID. Wolfgang. I’m surprised he’s calling. They should all be in Fiji by now, about to start their conference in paradise.

‘Tjena!’ I say into the phone.

‘How have you recovered from the feast?’ he asks me.

I laugh. ‘Almost,’ I say. ‘That aquavit is—’

‘Kitty,’ Wolfgang interrupts, ‘I have to tell you something.’

He sounds serious, and I wonder what’s coming next. A lecture maybe, about my appalling behaviour. How much does he know about what happened between me and Dr Prince? I didn’t tell him, did I? With a sinking feeling, I realise I might well have, in my drunken state.

‘It’s about Jack,’ he continues.

Uh-oh. I knew it …

‘What about him?’ I say.