BooksBarbecue
Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Is this what you really want? I ask myself. Is this the person you really want to be?

I finally understand who is on the other side of the looking-glass. I’d always thought there must be some glorious other self or alternate universe. Now I understand that’s not it at all. There’s no one particularly special on the other side of the mirror. It’s just plain old human Kitty. Forget the prestige and the intellect and the grand future plans and the absolute power of the surgeon. Forget all of that. On the flipside of the mirror I am no one, but I am everyone. I love my mum and dad, and I cry in sad movies. I worry about losing weight and I feel the sting of unreciprocated love. On the public side, the side my patients see, the side I present to my colleagues, the esteemed Dr Katarina Holliday, I wonder now if it’s all just a bit of an act. On one side of the looking-glass there’s rather unextraordinary me, on the other side a consummate performer. Maybe it’s the same for all doctors. Maybe we are all just actors, pretending to be doctors, inside a theatre with a curtain that never falls.

I stand there with my chin on my clenched fist and watch the darkness of the night for a long time.

FORTY-NINE

forty-nine

For the next week I do nothing but go to work, then go home. I also start exercising and I even cut down on the wine. After everything that has happened, I need to clear my head.

As I’m arriving home one evening, I run into Max, exiting the front yard with a toiletries bag in hand.

He looks as miserable as I’ve been feeling. It’s strange to recall that the last time I saw him we were laughing our pants off in the cafeteria over #accidentalboobgate. Vascular surgery is a far cry from his summer respiratory term, and he’s stressed.

‘Hey,’ I say. ‘Long time no see.’

‘Hey,’ he says. ‘Work’s been fucking bad the last two weeks. Sorry I haven’t been around—I couldn’t handle the thought of cooking so I’m back at Mum’s.’

‘Don’t worry,’ I reassure him. ‘I’ve had a lot of shit going on too. It sucks.’

He opens his mouth as if to speak, then pauses.

‘What’s up?’ I prompt him.

‘Did you hear about … ?’ He stops.

‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘It’s pretty terrible.’

He has a funny look on his face.

‘Are you sure you’re—?’ I start.

He interrupts me. ‘Apparently they’ve sent her to the psych ward. I heard that yesterday.’

‘Fuck.’

We lapse into silence.