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Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I have the sensation that I’m looking down on the scene from above. We are Lego figurines. The floor is grey, splashed with red, and Estelle is a white Lego woman, sitting in the corner of the Lego room. I’m blue, and the nurse is black. A big hand picks up the figures and moves them. I hear the voice of a child playing doctors and nurses. ‘Then the doctor moves here and saves the patient!’ But the game is no fun anymore. The doctor is crying. The patient is dying. The grey Lego floor is dirty with blood. Our puppet master doesn’t like the way the game is going. The doctor isn’t doing what doctors are supposed to do. The child has a tantrum, knocking over the Lego hospital and leaving the figurines scattered on the floor. Discarded, until someone decides to pick them up again. We are little dancing doctor bears made of Lego. Tug our strings, and we move on command.

Toby Henderson was right. How do you cope? You just don’t.

There’s an unusual feeling welling up in my stomach, burning a path to my chest before flaring in my brain. I don’t recognise it at first, but when it roars into my consciousness there’s no mistaking what it is.

It’s anger.

I look at Estelle, still slumped on the floor, muttering to herself. Estelle is one of the smartest, most beautiful, most fearless people I have ever known. To see her in this position enrages me.

My fury is pierced by the shriek of my pager. We all jump. Estelle’s face is raw with panic.

Mechanically, I reach for the pager and read the message.

Room 312, chest pain. Urgent.

There’s another shriek. Estelle’s pager is going off now. She struggles to her feet.

‘You should just go home,’ I tell her. ‘Just get your stuff, tell them you’re sick, and go home.’

Estelle’s eyes plead with me; she is fighting an internal battle I know only too well.

‘I can’t,’ she says, the battle already lost.

The hand picks up the little Lego doctors and puts them back into position. A child giggles. The string is tugged. Up! And they begin to move.

Dance, little doctors! Dance!

TWENTY-THREE

twenty-three

Even the longest of nights ends when the sun rises. I stand on the top level of the hospital, watching as light starts to flood the town beneath me. The world looks so calm outside, it’s disconcerting. That people have been sleeping peacefully in their beds feels impossible.

The morning doctors start to arrive, and I meet Estelle out the front of the emergency department. She looks haggard. I put an arm around her shoulders.

‘Let’s get the fuck away from this place,’ I say with feeling.

Estelle manages a small grin. ‘You know, even Poo Palace doesn’t seem that bad at the moment.’