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Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

‘I had a nightmare,’ I say lamely. ‘Sorry I woke you.’

‘I think you’re just a bit stressed,’ Winnie says, coming over to sit next to me. ‘You’ve had such a stressful time on surgery. And now going to the country.’

‘I …’ I clear my throat, but my voice is shaking. ‘I …’

Winnie looks appalled. ‘Oh, Kit. Look at you. My poor little Kitty.’ She envelops me in a big, warm hug.

The tears fall like rain. I don’t even know why I am crying, but I can’t seem to stop. I keep trying to apologise but the sobs erupt from me, a tidal wave I cannot hold back. It’s as if finishing my first surgical term and knowing I am leaving Sydney has allowed this small crack inside my subconscious to open, and now it won’t close.

The images swirl around me. The Joker sneering as I answer another of his questions wrong. Mr Waters’s face as he shakes on the bed, his heart rate dangerously high as he haemorrhages blood. Laura the intern vomiting on my shoes at our house party. Toby Henderson’s voice. How do you cope? You just don’t.

Was this me not coping? Was I acopic?

Acopic. You’re acopic. Doctors and nurses love to use the word.

What the fuck does it even mean? We’re ordinary people in extraordinary situations; who wouldn’t be fucking acopic?

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me,’ I say, fighting the weird rising anger, taking breath after breath, trying to will myself to calm down. I need to get control of myself and my emotions. Get a fucking hold on yourself, Holliday. Winnie keeps her arm firmly around me. She is an anchor in a wild ocean of I don’t even know what. Max is looking worried.

I glance at my phone. It’s 3.10 am. In four hours, I have to get up and go to the airport to fly to another hospital. All I do is go from one fucking hospital to the next.

I close my eyes. I’m standing in a ski field in Switzerland, staring at that fantastic mountain. I’m smiling. There’s sunshine and powder and a beautiful man with brown eyes smiling back at me. My breathing gets easier. For a second, I forget about the hospital. Then I remember I’ll be back to work tomorrow. I almost roll my eyes. No one will realise when I walk through the doors of the ward, but the truth is that I never actually left.

PART II LIFE

PART II

life

‘Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.’

—Rumi

SIXTEEN

sixteen