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Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Estelle gives me a filthy look. ‘I’m Dr Katarina Holliday and I’m such a good doctor,’ she mutters in a high-pitched imitation of my voice.

‘Right, sorry, sorry,’ the Godfather says, looking sheepish. ‘Yeah, so, anyway, just as I was leaving, right—’ he takes a huge sip of my wine ‘—apparently some registrar came in.’

‘As a patient?’ Estelle says.

‘Yeah,’ he replies. ‘She’d taken like fifty valium and half a bottle of gin. Apparently she wanted to, you know …’ He pauses. ‘You know, she wanted to kill herself.’

We all look at each other.

‘Who was it?’ Estelle asks finally.

The Godfather shakes his head. ‘Don’t know. She was brought in just as I was leaving, and when the boss realised what was going on he immediately cleared everyone away. I only know she works at Holy Innocents because one of the nurses started crying. I think she’s one of the cardiology registrars, someone was saying.’

I feel an odd twinge of relief. Not one of the surgeons then.

The waitress arrives with the extra glass and bottle, smiling at the Godfather.

‘Thanks, darling,’ he says, flashing her a grin.

‘Finish the story?’ Estelle urges, shooting him a disgusted glance.

‘Well, that’s pretty much it.’ He gives the waitress’s backside a considered stare as she walks away. ‘Or she might have been someone who used to work here or something, but people definitely looked like they knew her.’

Dr George, the man who cared for Winnie’s mother, taps on the glass behind my mind’s eye. I try to block him out, but I can’t help feeling vaguely unsettled.

Admin sends us weekly emails telling us how great everything is in the hospital and how resilient we all are. We spend our days at work, our nights dreaming about work, sharing our beds with imaginary corpses, and our years trying to force ourselves through training programs to finally get somewhere. It’s like trying to run up an escalator that’s going down. You just keep on going until eventually you can’t run anymore and have to step off. Or you jump off.

Or you have a heart attack at fifty.

FORTY-FOUR

forty-four

At seven o’clock the next morning I walk into the emergency department to start my shift, trying to pep myself up for another ten hours of action. Using the power of positive thinking, I’ve nearly convinced myself that cannulating drug overdoses in the resus bay can be exciting, when I throw myself forehead first into another human being.

‘God, I’m so sorry!’ I exclaim, clumsily stepping back from the person I’ve headbutted in my haste to enter the workplace. ‘I wasn’t looking where I was going.’

‘Honestly, Katarina,’ my victim says, grinning. ‘You can never just say hello like a normal person, can you?’