BooksBarbecue
Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

‘What are you so afraid of, Kitty?’ Winnie’s voice is steady now. ‘What the fuck are you so afraid of? You never used to be like this. Remember my first job in a law firm, when I was too scared to quit even though I was being bullied? And I said to you, I can’t leave, I can’t. I’ll never get another job; I just have to stay and be miserable. Do you remember what you told me?’

I do remember, but I am too ashamed to say.

‘You told me never to make decisions based on fear,’ she reminds me, her words as piercing as a laser beam. ‘And what are you doing now? Tell me.’

I can’t speak. I just keep staring at the reflection of that girl with her messy hair and her green eyes, and I ask myself the same question: What are you doing now?

‘You’re making decisions and choices that are driven by fear!’ Winnie shouts, finally losing control. ‘And not just about this—about every fucking thing! I was in Switzerland when you met Fabien. I saw how happy you were! I see your face when he’s called or messaged you! And yet you can’t even bring yourself to mention his fucking name. Why? Why can’t you let yourself be happy?’

‘I …’ I can’t speak. I just keep staring at my reflection.

Who is that girl?

‘Is it because he’s not a doctor? Because he’s not as smart as you, the amazing Dr Katarina Holliday? What’s so great about being a fucking doctor anyway? All it does is make you fucking miserable!’

‘It’s not that,’ I say. ‘It’s …’

‘What is it?’ Winnie asks, sounding almost desperate. ‘Tell me, because at this moment I don’t understand. When we were younger all we used to talk about was the pursuit of love and truth and comedy and whatever else would make us happy. Love and truth and fucking laughs, Kitty, and you and me and our happy lives! Where’s the love and where’s the truth? There aren’t any laughs at the moment, I can tell you that.’

Truth and love and laughs—lost to me now. I’m in a dark place and I have no idea how to find my way back.

‘I hate this!’ Winnie says suddenly, stepping away from the mirror. She gestures angrily, and her wineglass slips out of her hand, a perfect arc until it hits the ground. It smashes on the floorboards, and instinctively I step back, like a dog with an injured paw, trying to avoid the glass, but a shard pierces my foot. I reach down without even thinking and pull the piece of glass straight out. It hurts, but part of me enjoys the pain. The blood drips everywhere, down my toes and onto the wooden floorboards.

Winnie, snapping out of her anger, looks horrified.