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Back Going Under Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. COVER PAGE
  2. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  3. DEDICATION
  4. PROLOGUE
  5. PART I BIRTH
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EIGHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. PART II LIFE
  22. SIXTEEN
  23. SEVENTEEN
  24. EIGHTEEN
  25. NINETEEN
  26. TWENTY
  27. TWENTY-ONE
  28. TWENTY-TWO
  29. TWENTY-THREE
  30. TWENTY-FOUR
  31. TWENTY-FIVE
  32. TWENTY-SIX
  33. TWENTY-SEVEN
  34. TWENTY-EIGHT
  35. TWENTY-NINE
  36. THIRTY
  37. THIRTY-ONE
  38. THIRTY-TWO
  39. THIRTY-THREE
  40. THIRTY-FOUR
  41. PART III DEATH
  42. THIRTY-FIVE
  43. THIRTY-SIX
  44. THIRTY-SEVEN
  45. THIRTY-EIGHT
  46. THIRTY-NINE
  47. FORTY
  48. FORTY-ONE
  49. FORTY-TWO
  50. FORTY-THREE
  51. FORTY-FOUR
  52. FORTY-FIVE
  53. FORTY-SIX
  54. FORTY-SEVEN
  55. FORTY-EIGHT
  56. FORTY-NINE
  57. FIFTY
  58. FIFTY-ONE
  59. FIFTY-TWO
  60. FIFTY-THREE
  61. FIFTY-FOUR
  62. FIFTY-FIVE
  63. FIFTY-SIX
  64. FIFTY-SEVEN
  65. FIFTY-EIGHT
  66. FIFTY-NINE
  67. SIXTY
  68. EPILOGUE
  69. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  70. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

‘You don’t work as a doctor,’ I continue. ‘You think we just go in there and heal people—that we wake up every day just not being able to wait to get into that hospital to commence the fucking healing. There’s not actually that much healing, don’t you get it? There’s so much pressure coming from every angle. And tomorrow I’ve got a ten-hour shift in emergency, with drunk people and sick people and the unrelenting pressure to SEE MORE PATIENTS. I’m barely keeping my head above water, and to deal with this on top of it is bringing me to breaking point!’ ‘Bringing you to breaking point? What about her?!’

‘If I tell anyone and she denies it I’ll be in so much shit!’ I hear my voice getting louder as I attempt to justify why I sound like such a selfish wimp. ‘And even if she doesn’t deny it, there’ll be people who don’t believe me or who’ll just blame me for causing trouble. I’m so junior that nothing I say really matters. You think you get what it’s like being a doctor because you live with me and Max, but you don’t get any of it! YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!’ I am shouting now.

Winnie is looking at me with an expression on her face I’ve never seen before.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say weakly, feeling my heart beating uncomfortably in my chest. ‘That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.’

For a few moments neither of us speaks. Then Winnie says, ‘I don’t know who you are anymore, Kitty. I just don’t know who the fuck you are.’

Her words hang in the air. The lump in my throat and chest is the size of Everest.

She stands up and lunges at me.

Absurdly, I fear she is about to hit me and I jerk away, but instead she grabs my hand and drags me to my feet, then pulls me over to the mirror on the wall.

‘Look in the mirror, Kitty!’ she orders. I can tell she is trying very hard to make me understand, even through the waves of anger and disappointment. ‘Look in the mirror and tell me what you see!’

I look. I see my long dark brown hair, pulled back in a messy bun because I didn’t have time to brush it. I see my green eyes and my slightly too big nose, and my frame, thinner than normal because I exist on a diet of wine and coffee and overpriced salads from the cafeteria. I look afraid.

Beside me I see Winnie: short blonde hair, big blue eyes, an angry expression.

‘I …’ I don’t know what to say. ‘I don’t …’