I can’t bear to tell him, so I say, ‘Zombies.’

‘Oh sorry, Joe,’ says Gus, behind me. ‘That wasn’t a dream. I mean, look at you. You really were visited by a zombie in the night. It ate your brain.’

‘I’ll eat your brain.’

‘Children!’ says Dad. ‘Come on. You’re worse than the toddlers. No brain eating. Joe, I’ll be home at five twenty, so I’ll have plenty of time before we need to get you back to school for seven and wave you off.’

‘OK.’

‘French exchange!’ says Gus, pointing at me and looking smug.

‘I don’t think I’ll go,’ I say.

‘Yes, you will,’ says Dad. He kisses the top of my head. ‘Bye, babies.’

He leaves.

‘Can I live under your bed for the week?’ I say to Gus as soon as the door closes.

‘Nope,’ he says. ‘You can go to Enzo’s house and parler français.’

‘Mean.’

‘You’ll be fine,’ he says. ‘I wish I could go.’

‘You can pretend to be me.’

He puts his arms out in front of him and does a zombie walk. ‘Hello,’ he says in a monotone. ‘My name is Joseph. Je parle français tray byen. Je voudrais des brains, s’il vous plaît.’

I roll my eyes. ‘That’s not even a zombie voice. You’re doing a zombie walk with a robot voice. Want some toast?’

I should be hungry. I eat anyway.

I stand on the corner and wait for Troy, who should be mad at me. Mr Armstrong offers to give me his old francs, and then Troy and I walk to school and I don’t find the words to tell him that I stole his trophy. He’s excited about the trip. I should be too, but all I feel is horror. Troy is brilliant at French and I’m average, but it’s not that.

‘Wish we were going to Paris,’ he says. ‘Now, if it was Paris I would seriously just stay there. Eiffel Tower. Mona Lisa. The city of love.’

‘Would you find a French girlfriend?’

‘Easily. We’d live in an attic overlooking the river, and I’d probably discover I was an amazing artist and so I’d become the new Picasso or something.’

‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘Shame we’re not going to Paris then. We go past it on the bus, so you could jump out.’

He nods. ‘Might do. Tell the driver to stop because I’m sick and then run off to my new life. So what’s up with you?’

I shiver. I should pretend to be fine, but instead I say, ‘No idea.’

‘Oh, it’ll be great,’ he says. ‘Enzo sounds cool, doesn’t he?’

‘Yes.’

‘So don’t worry. Do you think …’ He pauses and looks at me nervously. ‘I mean, it’s a shame your mum’s not home because she’d make you feel better, right?’