I tell her that it’s in the background of one of Troy’s photos, and I tell her that he moved schools after I died and then went away to France for university and never came back. That his dad was a security guard at Beachview and was horrible to Ariel twice.

‘It does seem to add up,’ Lara says, and her face wobbles. ‘Oh, Joe. You’re about to work this out, aren’t you? What am I going to do without you?’

‘I’ll get Ariel to do her detective work for you too,’ I say. This feels urgent all of a sudden. ‘She might be able to solve your death as well. Maybe we can go together.’

Lara sighs and leans her head back. ‘Honestly, darling?’ She’s looking at the ceiling of the train as she speaks, at that old Coke stain. ‘Don’t. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I don’t mind riding this train, reading my books, knitting for Mabel. I don’t mind it at all. I’m feeling that I can take this rather than risk oblivion. Or hell, or whatever. I used to think this was hell, just being stuck in the same morning over and over again. I mean, it’s a train operated by First Great Western. It’s hardly not hell. But I’m used to it. I can do this. At least I’m me, you know? I’m here in a way.’

‘I know exactly what you mean,’ I say. ‘I was thinking that too. What if there’s nothing? I feel like I’m going to die, but I already have.’

‘I know.’

We spend the rest of the journey trying to think of cities beginning with every letter of the alphabet. Just before we get to Reading I say, ‘So. Lara, just in case. Do you want me to get Ariel to try to solve your death or not? Shall we just leave you alone?’

The train stops. I stand up. I really want to see Mum today. I’m beginning to walk away when Lara says, ‘Don’t do it. I’m staying here. Love you, Joe. Good luck.’

‘I’ll be back in a couple of days,’ I say to her, but as our eyes meet I have the strangest feeling that perhaps I won’t.

45

I woke very early on Friday morning with a weird feeling. I looked at my phone and there it was in the Joe inbox – a message from Troy Laffitte:

Beachview at 4.

That was all it said, but there was no way I was going back to sleep after that. I wished and wished and wished that there was a way for me to pick up the phone and call Joe and tell him. Instead I had to have the conversation in my head.

Is this what you want, Joe? I asked and asked, but he didn’t answer.