BooksBarbecue
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Chapters (61)
  1. COVER
  2. About the Author
  3. Books by Emily Barr
  4. DEDICATION
  5. Prologue
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. 12
  18. 13
  19. 14
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. 18
  24. 19
  25. 20
  26. 21
  27. 22
  28. 23
  29. 24
  30. 25
  31. 26
  32. 27
  33. 28
  34. 29
  35. 30
  36. 31
  37. 32
  38. 33
  39. 34
  40. 35
  41. 36
  42. 37
  43. 38
  44. 39
  45. 40
  46. 41
  47. 42
  48. 43
  49. 44
  50. 45
  51. 46
  52. 47
  53. 48
  54. 49
  55. 50
  56. 51
  57. Epilogue
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Read on for an extract from …
  60. 12 December
  61. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

I push the door now and it swings open again. I wrap myself in the blanket and lean back against the wall, and find that I’m gasping and sobbing. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve and shout: ‘PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!’ I yell it at the top of my voice. It echoes round the tiny room. I try to hold on to my anger at that man, but it’s already gone. I’m back to being numb to almost everything, and filled with unnecessary dread about the trip.

It’s only a week in sodding France. I do my best to talk myself down. We live about an hour from Plymouth, so the first part of the journey will be fine. I’ll sit with Troy, at the back of the coach. It’ll be fun. I’ll give him back his stupid trophy, straight away, so that won’t be a worry any more.

Then we’ll sleep on the ferry. Four of us are sharing a cabin, and I like everyone, so that’ll be brilliant.

Tomorrow we’ll drive through France. That’s great too. I have no idea why I feel panicky about the whole thing. Every atom of my body is braced, tense, feeling dread. I want to run away, but I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to run away from the trip so I can stay at home.

Lamest. Runaway. Ever.

I sip my Coke and work on breathing properly and talking sense into myself. It will be OK. The only way to get past it is to get on with it. This is a blip, a wobble. Things always come easily to me. There’s no reason for me to struggle.

I’m having to work very hard to keep that image up right now.

I put on my headphones and try to make myself feel better with some music. I only have one album with me, but it’s Different Class so that’s OK. I press play and relax into ‘Something Changed’.

After a while the door opens.

Penguin walking logo

5

8 March

A girl and a boy were standing at the front of the classroom, wearing uniforms from a different school. They kept looking at each other and laughing. Flirting. I couldn’t take my eyes off them.

The lesson went on, and they just stood there, giggling. No one else could see them. Not only that, but they didn’t seem to see us either. Just like that girl I’d seen and didn’t recognize the day Dad left.

I looked out of the window. The sky was pale blue. It was calm and clear and I tried to keep it in my head. I was not losing my mind. I was fine. This was just a … blip.