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Chapters (61)
  1. COVER
  2. About the Author
  3. Books by Emily Barr
  4. DEDICATION
  5. Prologue
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. 12
  18. 13
  19. 14
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. 18
  24. 19
  25. 20
  26. 21
  27. 22
  28. 23
  29. 24
  30. 25
  31. 26
  32. 27
  33. 28
  34. 29
  35. 30
  36. 31
  37. 32
  38. 33
  39. 34
  40. 35
  41. 36
  42. 37
  43. 38
  44. 39
  45. 40
  46. 41
  47. 42
  48. 43
  49. 44
  50. 45
  51. 46
  52. 47
  53. 48
  54. 49
  55. 50
  56. 51
  57. Epilogue
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Read on for an extract from …
  60. 12 December
  61. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

We still hadn’t heard from Dad. We’d made no effort to tell him about the baby, so he probably didn’t know that he was a grandfather, though he could have worked it out easily enough from the dates. When I occasionally thought about him, I pictured him in a new relationship up in Scotland, probably with a younger woman who’d put up with his moods.

I hated him, but he had no hold over me any more. He was a stranger and I sincerely expected never to see him again. I had tried once, when I sent him that email in March, but he’d never even replied.

I took Raffy into the bathroom and changed his nappy, expert at this now. I changed his onesie too as he definitely needed a fresh one. I put him into a bright green outfit that Ms D, or Florence as I was now supposed to call her, had given him.

‘There you go,’ I said. ‘All fragrant again. Fragrant and gorgeous and really quite neon.’

Sasha had made me some toast, and put another coffee next to my plate.

‘There you go,’ she said. ‘I got you a coffee because I couldn’t remember if you wanted one or not.

‘Thanks,’ I said. I’d drink it anyway.

She took the baby and sat on the sofa to breastfeed. Our house had been entirely baby orientated since the middle of July. It was hard for me to remember a time before Raffy. I sat and talked to my sister about nothing in particular, and then it was time to go to college. I laced up my boots and tried to prepare myself for this new world.

‘Good luck!’ said Sasha. ‘You look good. Studenty.’

At four o’clock I stood outside the Beachview room. I knew he was in there. I put my hand on the door, knowing it would take a second to push it open and see him.

If I saw him would I be able to leave? Would I mess up whatever equilibrium he had? Would it be a massive step back for both of us?

It was too much to risk. I walked away.

Penguin walking logo

40

I wake early, leave a note and go to Bodmin. Leo isn’t there.

I walk up and down both platforms. He’s always right here. He knows which day I visit. I come once a week, every 2019 Thursday, just after calling in on Anna and Sasha, and he’s always waiting on the platform. It’s rude of him not to be here today.

I pause and force myself to get some perspective.