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Chapters (61)
  1. COVER
  2. About the Author
  3. Books by Emily Barr
  4. DEDICATION
  5. Prologue
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. 12
  18. 13
  19. 14
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. 18
  24. 19
  25. 20
  26. 21
  27. 22
  28. 23
  29. 24
  30. 25
  31. 26
  32. 27
  33. 28
  34. 29
  35. 30
  36. 31
  37. 32
  38. 33
  39. 34
  40. 35
  41. 36
  42. 37
  43. 38
  44. 39
  45. 40
  46. 41
  47. 42
  48. 43
  49. 44
  50. 45
  51. 46
  52. 47
  53. 48
  54. 49
  55. 50
  56. 51
  57. Epilogue
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Read on for an extract from …
  60. 12 December
  61. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

I hear her locking the door from the inside. I hear her putting a chain on and murmuring to the baby in a soft voice. I hear her footsteps walking away from the door, and then the curtains in the window beside me are pulled closed.

That went well.

I contemplate breaking the window and just pushing the curtains aside and stepping into her living room. I imagine myself kidnapping baby Sasha and taking her to Beachview to wait for Ariel. I decide that, on balance, I’d be better off coming back tomorrow and trying a subtler approach. I could do anything here now. Anything. But I need to control myself.

I don’t smash the window and snatch the baby. I walk away from the house and down to the end of the road. Because the house is on a hill, there’s a very steep path down to a bit of brown beach below, and I start to walk towards it. What’s the point, though? I sit on my bum and slide down like a kid who’s forgotten his sledge and decides to go for it anyway. I scream as I go, unexpectedly exhilarated, bumping up into the air, but always pulled down, down, down, still, in some way, at the mercy of gravity. I throw my arms in the air and yell. The not-quite-rainy air slaps me in the face. This feels like the best thing I’ve ever done.

Then I’m lying on the damp sand, laughing my head off. I’m going to do that again. Again, again, again. I don’t care if people are looking at me. I can do anything. Maybe this is a simulation. That means I can find the edges and push them. I’m the plumber guy in Donkey Kong, but I don’t have to jump over the barrels. I’m the only one who knows that none of this is real, and I’m the king of my own world.

I’ve done the first part at least. I’ve discovered that Anna and Sasha are in town today. I slide down the cliff path three more times and my trousers don’t even get dirty. I walk through the water, round the headland, to the town’s main beach and I don’t even feel wet. I am immune to the way people look at me. I can do anything.

And, since I’m stuck here, I will.

Penguin walking logo

25

I set off from home in my uniform, called the school’s absence office and left a serious message, pretending to be Sasha, and then went to Beachview and changed into normal clothes in the loos.

Izzy messaged: Are you really sick? Are you OK?