Alphonse (the bloke) was a trivial person and he dint like the way Kelly dwelt on suchlike direness and destruction from his past. Her biro doodles (of wars, massacres and perverted tortures etc) that she always did on the little jotter by the telephone upset him and within a year (one year) he was threatening to leave.

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Round this time it was Xmas in Endland (sic) and Alphonse got a job at a olde fashionde Dept Store playing father Xmas in a grotto of snow-land and freezer cabinets provide by Zanussi and Zyklon. Some nites when he came in from work he was still blue with the cold and shaken by the strange requests many kids whispered to him when out of earshot of their parents or legal guardians.

Alphonse would sit in front of the TV at home and watch his fave programme called DOCTOR OF MEAT. When the doctor of the title performed a tense and difficult operation Alphonse took one swig of Vodka, when the doctor of the title kissed a sexually attractive nurse Alphonse took two swigs of Vodka and when the doctor of the title said his catchphrase “Look out for me in the scrub-up my friend . . .” Alphonse took two swigs of vodka, removed an item of clothing and then took two swigs of gin. When Marriane Pubis (the female lead in DOCTOR OF MEAT) came in boasting of some new husband/lover or sexual conquest Alphonse removed another item of clothes and drank a shot of a new drink called PERUVIA, by the same people what made SYPHILIS.

By the end of most evenings Alphonse was drunk on the sofa (couch) and naked by 9pm, his underpants swinging from the lightbulb in the centre of the room and a bottle of PERUVIA spilled on the floor.

Poor Kelly.

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Kelly tried to make Alphonse love her the only way she knew how – with money – but no matter how much she gave him it dint do no good. Allophone’s Xmas job as Father Xmas came to an end abruptly on Dec 23rd and Kelly was then back on the driving seat of their relationship. She got work in a shop selling clothes to fat women. All day long fat women came in the shop and Kelly had to squeeze them into the garments and praise how they looked (etc).

Anyway.

With money saved up from Kelly’s job (with the fat women) Alphonse and Kelly decided to go on holiday as a way of sorting out their relationship. They went to a coastal town in a military resort called FORT FOG near Blackpool.

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