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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

‘I don’t know for sure, obviously,’ Esen goes on, ‘but I don’t think it’s the same place for everyone. I mean, we’re all different, right? Some people believe in heaven or Jannah or She’ol. I think they end up wherever they believe is beyond the sea.’

‘What do you believe in?’ I ask, looking down at the crucifix of white carnations at our feet.

‘You mean other than the power of a well-tailored coat?’

She turns up her collar and arches an eyebrow at me and I roll my eyes.

‘I don’t believe in anything,’ she admits with a shrug. ‘It’s hard to, after everything.’

For a moment, I think she’s talking about this – being a reaper – but then I realise that somewhere, out there, there is a grave, much like this one, with her name on it. She had a funeral, left people behind. A mother. A father. Brothers. Sisters. Maybe even someone like Poppy. And with that, Esen goes from a pain in the ass to a person. A person who had this whole other life before she got stuck in the bookshop, like I did.

What a thing to have in common.

‘We should go,’ she says, but when she takes a step back, I turn to face her.

‘Where would you have gone?’ I ask, tucking my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket. ‘I mean if you had got on the boat with Charon instead of becoming a reaper. Where would you have gone if you don’t believe in anything?’

She thinks about it for a second, then says, ‘Nowhere, I guess. I would have just kept going.’

I don’t know if that sounds soothing or terrifying.

‘I think that might actually be worse than this,’ I say with a tender sigh.

‘It’s not so bad. It’s not,’ she adds when I scoff. ‘It’s shit and I hate it sometimes, but at least I’m still here.’

‘Are you, though?’

‘It feels like I am, when I look out at the sea. Or when the sun’s coming up and it’s just me and the people doing the walk of shame home. Or when some old dear swears at me for almost knocking her over as she’s coming out of Sainsbury’s.’ She stops and finally meets my gaze. ‘It’s not the same, but it’s enough, you know?’

I don’t, but I nod anyway.

‘Plus, I get to have a laugh with my family.’

‘You’re not even allowed to see your family.’

‘Not them,’ she sneers, ‘I don’t care about them. I don’t even know who my dad is. Not that my mum is around to tell me.’

‘I’m so sorry. Did she die as well?’

‘No, she put me in care when I was eight. I haven’t seen her since.’

‘I’m sorry. I—’