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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

I’ve never been to a cemetery before. The only person I know who has died is my father’s father, but I was two and I don’t remember his funeral, just the story of how I cried for the entire flight to Guyana and didn’t stop until one of the cabin crew took me into the cockpit and let me sit on the captain’s lap. I don’t know where my grandfather is buried – or if he is even buried, maybe he was cremated, I never thought to ask – but I wonder if it’s somewhere like this. Somewhere big and quiet with the moon watching over him.

The procession of flowers stops abruptly and when I see why, I have to look away as I pass a plot that is completely bare. As I do, I see that Esen has slowed as well, stopping to read the cards on each grave – checking each side of the path – and in an effort to avoid walking into the back of her, I find myself doing the same. I linger by the one that has the most flowers, a virtual mountain dotted with teddy bears, a foil monkey balloon rising from the centre, bobbing gently. I lean down to read one of the cards. It’s limp from the snow and beginning to curl in on itself, the ink dotted away, but there’s enough left to see what it says.

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I step back as though I’ve been punched, turning away from it and striding up the path towards Esen, who has stopped by one of the plots and is standing in front of it, her head bowed and her hands in the pockets of her coat. She looks up as I stop next to her then nods down at the blanket of flowers at our feet.

‘What?’ I ask, but she doesn’t look at me, just keeps her gaze fixed on the grave. So I glance down to see who it belongs to. It’s the same as the others – the same spent candles surrounding the same mound of wreaths and teardrop bouquets of lilies. All white, of course, except for a bunch of more colourful ones on top. I’m wondering why Esen has brought me here, when I see the A made of white chrysanthemums, and step back.

‘What is this?’ I ask, but I know.

‘Don’t tell Deborah and Dev,’ Esen says, but she doesn’t say it in the cocky way she did the night she picked the lock to my flat. ‘Deborah will kill me again if she finds out that I brought you here. We had a massive row about it last week.’

‘About what?’