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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

The ghost girls who are there, then not there, who let themselves give into that itch of curiosity, just for a moment, and make me feel something, only to conclude that it isn’t for them. The ones who are bored or scared or both, who’d rather tell me that they were drunk than let me know that they felt something as well because all they want is a quiet life. Someone they can love without it being brave. Someone they can invite over for Sunday lunch and go with to prom.

I am the first and last and nothing inbetween. The mad one. The wild one. The one who sees things that aren’t there. I am to be unloaded on, to be bled on and cried all over. I am the one they experiment with. The one they can let go with because I’ll never tell. I am the one they have saved in their phone as Alfie or Harry or Luke. The keeper of secrets and soother of guilt. But I am never the one.

I am not to be loved. Not out loud, anyway. Maybe, one day, if I’m lucky, I’ll be a what if ?. Or worse, the one before the one. The one that made them realise that it wasn’t just a phase. But, for the most part, I will barely be a footnote in the book of that quiet life they want so much and as I stand beside Poppy, looking out at the wide, wild sea, I wait. Wait for her to move away when one of the Roedean girls approaches or to suddenly mention a boyfriend like this is nothing, like she’s just talking. Like that’s all this is, just talking. After all, even fear becomes a habit after a while, doesn’t it?

We’re approaching the Marina and this is it, I know. The moment has passed. The pain in my chest is so keen that it brings tears to my eyes as I make myself look down at the water so Poppy doesn’t see as the boat pulls in. When I do, I notice that the water is a different colour here. A colour I’ve only seen in postcards from other people. Poppy must notice as well, because she says that we could be in the Côte d’Azur. She says it with a dreamy sigh and when she closes her eyes, she suddenly feels very far away, even though she’s standing right next to me.