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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

I turn to look back at the tent. The front of it is down now, but Dev didn’t zip it back up so it flaps open in the breeze and I can’t help but think about Kitty’s body inside, wondering how long it will be there before anyone notices.

When I look back at Kitty, she’s smiling at me. This silly, dopey smile, her pale-green eyes on me, but not, like she’s just woken up from a nap. ‘Who’s this?’ she asks.

‘This is Ash,’ Dev explains. ‘She’s here to help as well.’

‘Hello, Ash,’ Kitty says and she’s swaying again, not enough to make me reach for her, but enough to make me wonder if I was like this as well. I don’t think I was. I can remember it all so clearly. The sharp POP of the fireworks, the seagulls fleeing, the wheels of the car spinning and spinning, the crunch of the broken glass beneath my feet, ‘Auld Lang Syne’. I remember every detail. But then after that there’s nothing. I don’t remember getting from the mini-mart to the bookshop, just being there, on the sofa, and everything spinning again.

‘We’re not going far,’ Dev says, nodding towards the beach.

‘Where are we going?’ Kitty asks but follows anyway, out of the New Steine and across the road.

The sea is almost as black as the sky and uncharacteristically calm for January. As I look out at it, I remember then what Dev said earlier about not having to hold on to the stuff you don’t want to hold on to. So I let go of it then – my fear of the sea – hoping it will make room for something else.

Something that scares me in a better way.

‘I couldn’t sleep,’ Kitty tells us as we walk towards it. ‘I was so cold.’

There’s something about the way she says it that makes me turn my face away as I look out across the beach. I know it’s almost four in the morning, but I’ve never seen it empty like this. Apart from the seagulls, we’re the only ones here. The stones crunch beneath our feet as I look at the Pier stretching out over the sea, the only trace of colour for miles and miles. It’s not open yet, the long arm of the Booster still, like a broken clock stuck at two forty, but in a few hours, it will be alive with noise. The rise and fall of the carousel. The roll and splash of coins in the slot machines. The hiss and spit of the fryers as people wait for paper bags of hot sugared donuts and churros.

For now at least, everything is still.

Even the sea.

Then I hear Kitty ask, ‘Who’s that?’