BooksBarbecue
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Chapters (84)
  1. Chapter one
  2. Chapter two
  3. Chapter three
  4. Chapter four
  5. Chapter five
  6. Chapter six
  7. Chapter seven
  8. Chapter eight
  9. Chapter nine
  10. Chapter ten
  11. Chapter eleven
  12. Chapter twelve
  13. Chapter thirteen
  14. Chapter fourteen
  15. Chapter fifteen
  16. Chapter sixteen
  17. Chapter seventeen
  18. Chapter eighteen
  19. Chapter nineteen
  20. Chapter twenty
  21. Chapter twenty-one
  22. Chapter twenty-two
  23. Chapter twenty-three
  24. Chapter twenty-four
  25. Chapter twenty-five
  26. Chapter twenty-six
  27. Chapter twenty-seven
  28. Chapter twenty-eight
  29. Chapter twenty-nine
  30. Chapter thirty
  31. Chapter thirty-one
  32. Chapter thirty-two
  33. Chapter thirty-three
  34. Chapter thirty-four
  35. Chapter thirty-five
  36. Chapter thirty-six
  37. Chapter thirty-seven
  38. Chapter thirty-eight
  39. Chapter thirty-nine
  40. Chapter forty
  41. Chapter forty-one
  42. Chapter forty-two
  43. Chapter forty-three
  44. Chapter forty-four
  45. Chapter forty-five
  46. Chapter forty-six
  47. Chapter forty-seven
  48. Chapter forty-eight
  49. Chapter forty-nine
  50. Chapter fifty
  51. Chapter fifty-one
  52. Chapter fifty-two
  53. Chapter fifty-three
  54. Chapter fifty-four
  55. Chapter fifty-five
  56. Chapter fifty-six
  57. Chapter fifty-seven
  58. Chapter fifty-eight
  59. Chapter fifty-nine
  60. Chapter sixty
  61. Chapter sixty-one
  62. Chapter sixty-two
  63. Chapter sixty-three
  64. Chapter sixty-four
  65. Chapter sixty-five
  66. Chapter sixty-six
  67. Chapter sixty-seven
  68. Chapter sixty-eight
  69. Chapter sixty-nine
  70. Chapter seventy
  71. Chapter seventy-one
  72. Chapter seventy-two
  73. Chapter seventy-three
  74. Chapter seventy-four
  75. Chapter seventy-five
  76. Chapter seventy-six
  77. Chapter seventy-seven
  78. Chapter seventy-eight
  79. Chapter seventy-nine
  80. Chapter eighty
  81. Chapter eighty-one
  82. Chapter eighty-two
  83. Chapter eighty-three
  84. Chapter eighty-four

My child would have been twelve now—I don’t even know if the baby was a boy or a girl. I thought I’d wait a few years, until I was more mature, before I set about replacing the void it created in my life. When you’re young, you think that you have your fertility under control. You think that you’ll have a great career, then find a nice man, settle down and when the time is right, start a family. But Mother Nature is spiteful and cruel. The great career leaves you so exhausted that you’ve no time to find a nice man. The nice man might never appear or he might turn out to be not-so-nice and run off with a work colleague at an inopportune moment. Or he might have been wearing his underpants too tight and have sluggish sperm. When you think the time is right Mother Nature has already been working on shrinking your ovaries and tinkering about with your hormones, so that becoming pregnant turns into a battle of science and technology over your own body.

The abortion left me with scarred Fallopian tubes—so the consultant said—but it left other parts of me scarred far worse than that. And my punishment now is that I can’t have the one thing I want more than anything—that which I let go with so little thought.

Edie tops up her own glass. ‘Crash over here tonight?’

‘Yes.’ My mother is right. Being alone isn’t easy. I can’t face going back to look at Jake’s side of the wardrobe empty.

‘You’ll be okay,’ Edie says softly.

‘Yes.’ I nod.

‘You always are, Lyssa,’ she continues, now sounding more than a little slurred. ‘You’re the strong one. The survivor.’

Nothing makes me want to lie down and weep more than someone calling me a survivor.

‘You need to be kind to yourself for a while,’ Edie suggests. ‘At least tell me you’re going to drop the baby thing for the time being.’

‘I haven’t got any choice, have I? One side of my nice, big double bed will be noticeably empty from now on.’ I get a pang of loneliness and anger as I think of Jake out of my life and with someone else. Someone else with a bigger bottom and more arm muscles than me.

I remember Monica telling me that penguins only have sex once a year. It looks like I’m going to be joining them.

Chapter nineteen

Chapter nineteen

I had to get up at the crack of dawn, go home, get changed and then drag myself into work. The longer I spend as a commuter, the harder it gets.