BooksBarbecue
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Chapters (84)
  1. Chapter one
  2. Chapter two
  3. Chapter three
  4. Chapter four
  5. Chapter five
  6. Chapter six
  7. Chapter seven
  8. Chapter eight
  9. Chapter nine
  10. Chapter ten
  11. Chapter eleven
  12. Chapter twelve
  13. Chapter thirteen
  14. Chapter fourteen
  15. Chapter fifteen
  16. Chapter sixteen
  17. Chapter seventeen
  18. Chapter eighteen
  19. Chapter nineteen
  20. Chapter twenty
  21. Chapter twenty-one
  22. Chapter twenty-two
  23. Chapter twenty-three
  24. Chapter twenty-four
  25. Chapter twenty-five
  26. Chapter twenty-six
  27. Chapter twenty-seven
  28. Chapter twenty-eight
  29. Chapter twenty-nine
  30. Chapter thirty
  31. Chapter thirty-one
  32. Chapter thirty-two
  33. Chapter thirty-three
  34. Chapter thirty-four
  35. Chapter thirty-five
  36. Chapter thirty-six
  37. Chapter thirty-seven
  38. Chapter thirty-eight
  39. Chapter thirty-nine
  40. Chapter forty
  41. Chapter forty-one
  42. Chapter forty-two
  43. Chapter forty-three
  44. Chapter forty-four
  45. Chapter forty-five
  46. Chapter forty-six
  47. Chapter forty-seven
  48. Chapter forty-eight
  49. Chapter forty-nine
  50. Chapter fifty
  51. Chapter fifty-one
  52. Chapter fifty-two
  53. Chapter fifty-three
  54. Chapter fifty-four
  55. Chapter fifty-five
  56. Chapter fifty-six
  57. Chapter fifty-seven
  58. Chapter fifty-eight
  59. Chapter fifty-nine
  60. Chapter sixty
  61. Chapter sixty-one
  62. Chapter sixty-two
  63. Chapter sixty-three
  64. Chapter sixty-four
  65. Chapter sixty-five
  66. Chapter sixty-six
  67. Chapter sixty-seven
  68. Chapter sixty-eight
  69. Chapter sixty-nine
  70. Chapter seventy
  71. Chapter seventy-one
  72. Chapter seventy-two
  73. Chapter seventy-three
  74. Chapter seventy-four
  75. Chapter seventy-five
  76. Chapter seventy-six
  77. Chapter seventy-seven
  78. Chapter seventy-eight
  79. Chapter seventy-nine
  80. Chapter eighty
  81. Chapter eighty-one
  82. Chapter eighty-two
  83. Chapter eighty-three
  84. Chapter eighty-four

This would be a good time for me to confess everything to Jake. Tell him about my abortion and why I cared so desperately about becoming a mother. I should tell him. Wipe the slate clean between us. Stand us back on equal ground. But I can’t. I can’t be that intimate with him anymore. And that was a very different me from the one who’s facing him now.

We sit and look at each other, one of us with a very expectant look on his face. My fingers curl round my cup, searching for some warmth. The throbbing pulse in my hand is echoed in my head.

‘Say something,’ he urges.

The words take an age to push through my hurt. ‘I don’t know that I want it anymore.’

Jake looks stunned.

‘I met someone else.’ Someone wonderful. ‘In Nepal.’

‘I don’t care,’ Jake says. ‘I don’t care what you’ve done. Even if you slept with him—’

Jake’s naiveté stuns me. I think of Dean and me, laughing in my sleeping bag, making love in the hot spring, sleeping in his makeshift bed. Why does Jake think that time has stood still for me?

‘I’m the one who’s here and he’s…where?’

A long way away from me. And the distance between us seems to be growing with each passing day.

‘We’ll have a fresh start.’ Jake presses on regardless.

How can I begin an explanation that encompasses all the changes that have taken place inside of me when I’m not absolutely certain of what they are myself? ‘It isn’t that easy.’

‘It is,’ he insists. ‘Lyssa, I want you to marry me. I want you to be my wife. And I won’t stop asking until you say yes.’

‘I’ve changed, Jake.’

‘You’ve only been gone a month,’ he says. ‘You can’t have.’

But he’s wrong, I have.

Chapter seventy-six

Chapter seventy-six

What am I going to do? It’s a question that’s weighing heavily on my mind.

At five o’clock this morning, still lying awake, I was almost convinced that Jake was right and that I could forget about Neve and Dean and everything else and we could go back to how we used to be. I could submerge myself in the familiar—the tried, if not necessarily the trusted. However, in the cold light of day, I know that, no matter how persuasive Jake might be, he could also be seriously misguided.