‘Still, this is an end to it,’ she assures me. ‘We’ve got this contraception thing sorted out now.’

I’ll believe that when I see it. I’m not sure whether my sister is very stupid or very accident-prone. I think it swings from one to the other. She had unprotected sex at fourteen, which was asking for trouble. And trouble she got. Big trouble when my mum found out. If that wasn’t enough she had another contraceptive catastrophe at eighteen. A cock-up, you might call it. Edie failed to realise that the Pill didn’t work if you had a stomach upset. That stomach upset turned into Anna, who’s now eleven. A split condom at twenty—on their honeymoon—produced Mark, nine. Deciding three was enough to keep them impoverished for the foreseeable future, they forked out for a vasectomy that failed spectacularly in the form of Liam. Too much to drink at Edie’s twenty-fifth birthday party resulted in Daisy now four—mind you, it was a very good party. My sister finally bit the bullet and booked a sterilisation to put her baby days behind her—the day before she was due to have it done she found out she was pregnant with Archie, a smiley eighteen-month-old bundle of fun. I glance up at my sister with a look of utter disbelief.

‘We have,’ she insists. ‘I’m back on the Pill, I’ve got a diaphragm fitted the size of a dinner-plate and Lee wears two condoms.’

We both giggle into our mugs.

‘I bet one of those little bastards will still get through,’ she mumbles. ‘Every time Lee sneezes I get pregnant.’

‘I must sit down and have a talk with you one day,’ I offer. ‘I don’t think that’s what causes it.’

My sister takes my hand and squeezes it. ‘You’ll be all right,’ she says. My eyes start to fill with tears. ‘Some people pop them out like shelling peas,’ she adds. ‘With others…well…it takes a bit more effort.’

‘Things have never been right since they told Jake his sperm was sluggish,’ I sniff.

Edie laughs.

‘It isn’t funny.’

‘It wasn’t then, but it is now. The arrogant bastard probably thought his ought to win an Olympic gold medal at medley swimming.’

And despite my misery I too laugh. I wonder where Jake is now and I hope that he’s as desperately unhappy as I am.

Chapter eleven

Chapter eleven

‘Wow!’ Pip looked round in admiration. ‘This is some gaff.’ He takes off his motorbike helmet and then stands awkwardly, not knowing what to do with it. Eventually, he handed it to Jake—who wasn’t sure where to put it either.

‘Yeah,’ Jake said. ‘And all paid for by Daddy.’

‘Wow. Has Neve got a sister?’

‘No. Only child.’