BooksBarbecue
Back With or Without You Save as PDF
Chapters (84)
  1. Chapter one
  2. Chapter two
  3. Chapter three
  4. Chapter four
  5. Chapter five
  6. Chapter six
  7. Chapter seven
  8. Chapter eight
  9. Chapter nine
  10. Chapter ten
  11. Chapter eleven
  12. Chapter twelve
  13. Chapter thirteen
  14. Chapter fourteen
  15. Chapter fifteen
  16. Chapter sixteen
  17. Chapter seventeen
  18. Chapter eighteen
  19. Chapter nineteen
  20. Chapter twenty
  21. Chapter twenty-one
  22. Chapter twenty-two
  23. Chapter twenty-three
  24. Chapter twenty-four
  25. Chapter twenty-five
  26. Chapter twenty-six
  27. Chapter twenty-seven
  28. Chapter twenty-eight
  29. Chapter twenty-nine
  30. Chapter thirty
  31. Chapter thirty-one
  32. Chapter thirty-two
  33. Chapter thirty-three
  34. Chapter thirty-four
  35. Chapter thirty-five
  36. Chapter thirty-six
  37. Chapter thirty-seven
  38. Chapter thirty-eight
  39. Chapter thirty-nine
  40. Chapter forty
  41. Chapter forty-one
  42. Chapter forty-two
  43. Chapter forty-three
  44. Chapter forty-four
  45. Chapter forty-five
  46. Chapter forty-six
  47. Chapter forty-seven
  48. Chapter forty-eight
  49. Chapter forty-nine
  50. Chapter fifty
  51. Chapter fifty-one
  52. Chapter fifty-two
  53. Chapter fifty-three
  54. Chapter fifty-four
  55. Chapter fifty-five
  56. Chapter fifty-six
  57. Chapter fifty-seven
  58. Chapter fifty-eight
  59. Chapter fifty-nine
  60. Chapter sixty
  61. Chapter sixty-one
  62. Chapter sixty-two
  63. Chapter sixty-three
  64. Chapter sixty-four
  65. Chapter sixty-five
  66. Chapter sixty-six
  67. Chapter sixty-seven
  68. Chapter sixty-eight
  69. Chapter sixty-nine
  70. Chapter seventy
  71. Chapter seventy-one
  72. Chapter seventy-two
  73. Chapter seventy-three
  74. Chapter seventy-four
  75. Chapter seventy-five
  76. Chapter seventy-six
  77. Chapter seventy-seven
  78. Chapter seventy-eight
  79. Chapter seventy-nine
  80. Chapter eighty
  81. Chapter eighty-one
  82. Chapter eighty-two
  83. Chapter eighty-three
  84. Chapter eighty-four

Jake studies his fingers, developing a sudden fascination for his nails. Eventually he says, ‘Are you going out there to be with him?’

‘Partly,’ I admit. And I want to be with Dean. I sincerely hope that we have a future together, but that’s not the full story.

‘I phoned the clinic this afternoon,’ Jake confesses. ‘I want us to have another go at IVF. They’re willing for us to continue with the programme.’

‘I can’t do that.’

‘But you wanted a child more than anything,’ he says. ‘And now I do too. We’ve still got savings. We can blow it all on treatment.’

‘I don’t want a baby at any cost,’ I reply. ‘I think the price we’ve already paid is way too high.’

Jake hangs his head.

‘What I wanted before was a baby for me. For what a child could do for me. Now I feel differently.’ I give a shrug that doesn’t help my inadequate explanation for my sudden change of heart. ‘I’m no longer hung up on producing a replica of myself. It’s not the end of the world if I can never have a child. I’ve had enough of hormones and injections, Jake. If it happens, I want it to happen naturally.’ My period started this morning. I was actually late, but I hadn’t even noticed. And that is just not me. Or not the old me. Somewhere, suddenly I’ve stopped counting the hours and the days. And when I saw the bright red, tell-tale speck in the loo, I didn’t have any of my usual feelings of failure. I didn’t want to end my life. It was a period. A healthy, natural cycle that sets me aside as a woman. I can honestly say that I’m not going to lose any sleep over this ever again. It just proves that an awful lot can happen in the course of twenty-eight days. How could Jake ever understand this? I look at his stricken face and wonder if he ever will. I push on, regardless. ‘In the meantime,’ I continue, ‘I’ve found other ways that I hope will bring me fulfilment.’ I think of the smiling faces of the delightful village children and I know that I have a lot to offer them and that they have a lot to offer me. ‘What I don’t want to do is go through my life never feeling as if I’ve made a difference.’

‘I don’t want to go through my life without you,’ Jake says flatly.