She grinned. ‘You know …’

‘But you’re not—’

‘God!’ She picked up her cocktail, sucked on the straw until her cheeks caved in, as if to prove a point. ‘God, no. Not any time soon, either. But we’ve talked about it. That’s what you do. Meet someone. Get engaged. Talk about babies. Get married. Talk some more. Then …’

‘You stop talking?’

‘Exactly.’

The strange thing I’d felt at the airport in Sydney sparked in my stomach again. I looked at the ashtray, wished I hadn’t put my cigarette out.

Want.

‘Are you all right, Cait?’

I nodded, but obviously my face wasn’t so convincing.

‘Have you … you’ve felt okay, haven’t you? Since the plane?’

I looked at her, figured out what she was asking. ‘I have,’ I said slowly. ‘It was … a panic attack, I think?’ I was getting better at describing how I felt, but sometimes I still wished I didn’t have to. ‘It just hit me, you know? All of this. I didn’t think I’d be here.’ I caught the look on her face, winced. ‘So many times over the past few months, I thought I wouldn’t make it. I thought I’d die, or I’d fuck it up, or a million other things.’

‘I’m glad you were wrong.’

‘Me too.’ I paused. ‘But now … I kept telling myself that all this work wasn’t just about the wedding, about this trip, but I’m scared. I don’t know what’s next.’

She looked at her drink, thoughtful.

‘This feels like the end and I’m not ready.’

How does it end?

Everybody dies.

Lina’s mouth came open, like she was going to say something else, then closed, and she looked away towards the bar, suddenly nervous.

‘Did I do the right thing?’ she asked, after a long time.

I frowned, not sure what she meant.

‘When I got your postcard, when I read it, I was so upset, and angry, and scared. Mostly I was scared. I thought you’d …’ Her voice trailed off.

‘I know. I’m sorry.’ I reached out, touched her arm, needed to make sure she was there, that she knew I was there.

‘It’s okay. But then you were so sick. I don’t know if you remember.’

I shook my head.

‘It was awful. And I didn’t know if you’d taken something or if you were actually going to die or …’ She took a breath. ‘Your mum wanted to put you in hospital.’

I sat back, not sure what to say.