‘What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why am I still like this? After all this time.’ My eyes flooded. ‘I thought I was different now. I thought I could do this.’

‘Cait.’ Lina frowned, squeezed my hand. ‘You are doing it. We’re here.’

‘I know, but I’m still so …’ I felt the tears prick at my eyes. ‘I’m still not okay, am I?’

She shrugged. It should have felt callous but it felt exactly right. ‘You’re getting there, Cait.’ She dropped my hands, sat up in the seat next to me. ‘Progress,’ she said, less to me than to herself. ‘It’s all progress.’

‘I hate that you keep having to fix me.’ I bit my lip. ‘You shouldn’t have to keep doing this.’

She shook her head. ‘You’re my best friend.’

‘Still … It’s not fair.’

‘I know.’ She sighed.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s not your fault, Cait.’ Lina sounded tired. ‘It’s not. It’s shitty. But it’s not your fault.’

I blinked, not sure what to say.

She sat forward, eyeing the flight attendants. ‘We should get off this plane before they call the police. Are you ready?’

I nodded.

I wasn’t entirely sure I was, but I had to try.

The last of the dread stayed with me on the bus trip to the resort and through dinner, a weight pressing against my spine, making it hard to move. Lina tried to be upbeat and positive but I felt guilty and more tired than I had in weeks, so in the end I went to bed early. She said it was fine, but she hugged me for a long time and it didn’t feel fine.

Still, I was so tired I slept solidly, right through the night, didn’t wake up until morning, the sun streaming through my window making everything glow. I looked outside and took a sharp, hard breath, because I was in paradise, and it looked like a postcard, but so much more. I saw a semi-circle of villas clustered around a beautiful, still swimming pool, surrounded by palm trees and garden beds full of flowers and lush glossy foliage. Everything was bright, bold and colourful—the greens, the blues, the yellows, the reds, all too vivid to be real. Except they were. It was all real.

I dressed and went out onto the verandah. Lina was sitting on a lounge outside my door, reading a book and glowing like an angel, and my heart jumped, not with terror, but with happiness.