She flicked through TV shows while I checked my phone. There were calls. Messages. Nic. Holly. Mum. Even Dad. And Lina. Over and over. Voicemails I didn’t even want to imagine. Finally, she settled on The OC.

‘Dumb melodrama,’ she said, climbing onto the bed. ‘Perfect.’

She curled up next to me, put her head on my shoulder and I let her, surprised by how easy it was, after so long. She smelled like the beach, clean and safe. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d been so close. I missed it so much.

‘Where’s Matt?’ I asked after a while.

‘Work. Late conference call with Tokyo.’

I took a breath. ‘Are you sure he’s okay with me being here?’

‘Uh-huh. He doesn’t have a choice, but he is.’

I exhaled, more relieved than I wanted to say.

She sat up slowly and paused the television, folding her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around her calves.

‘What happened, Caitie?’ she asked, without looking at me. Her voice was kind, but it made my breath catch. I knew she’d ask eventually.

‘I don’t know.’ It was true, and it wasn’t. ‘I got scared. You were right. I wasn’t being careful, and I got scared.’

She frowned. ‘Caitie, I—’

‘I know.’ I shook my head. ‘I know that’s not what you meant. I tried. I tried to tell myself it was okay and it was and then it wasn’t.’ I couldn’t tell her about Frannie. Not yet. One day I would. Even thinking about her made my throat tighten.

She hesitated. There was something else.

‘I don’t remember everything,’ I said, after a long time. ‘But I didn’t do anything Leen. I didn’t take anything or try to … I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to sleep. I was just so tired.’

She nodded as though confirming a hunch, still avoiding my eyes, and I wasn’t sure she believed me. I wasn’t sure it mattered.

‘So,’ she started, her voice trembling. ‘Your mum got you in to see your doctor tomorrow.’ Her hands tightened on her calves. ‘I’ll take you. If you want.’

That familiar urge to argue rose up, stiffened my spine.

‘You have to,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry for what I said before, when I said I’d leave. I didn’t mean it. I would never just abandon you.’ She sighed. ‘But I can’t do this, not by myself.’

I nodded, understanding. Hating that she had to do this. Hating everything about this, but not hating that I was here.

‘I feel like this is too much. What you’re doing.’

She frowned. ‘Do you want to leave?’

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘No, I don’t. But I’m scared I’m not going to be able to—’

She exhaled. ‘I just want you to try. Please, Cait?’