I closed my eyes. Humour me. That’s all he’d been doing. The grin, the dimple, the twinkle. He’d done it all before with someone else—someone smart, funny, gorgeous. I’d thought it was more, but for him it was nothing. He was just humouring me, like I’d asked him to.

A fist. A blade. A blood vessel, rupturing. I tried to shake it, but it wouldn’t go.

I felt dizzy, grabbed on to the door to stop myself falling off the balcony, used it to pull myself inside. It was cold, too cold, I could feel it all the way into my bones. Like cancer.

I took a breath. Another. Something flared inside me. Fear. Worse than fear.

I picked up my phone, dialling his number, waiting for his voicemail greeting.

‘Hey,’ I said, staring at the postcards on the wall, not sure what I was doing. They made my chest ache, my stomach churn. So many places, none of them real. Just pictures. Just postcards. ‘Lina’s having a wedding crisis and she really wants to do our Tuesday dinner, so I said I would.’

I tasted bile. Guilt. The lie came so easily.

‘We’re meeting in Petersham so I’ll just go home after and see you after work tomorrow.’

One word after another. I barely recognised my voice—steady, strong, normal. What was wrong with me? Something had to be wrong with me.

‘I’ll call you later though, okay?’

I blinked, felt a tear at the corner of my eye.

‘Bye, Tom.’

Blinked again as I hung up. The tear fell and I wiped it away, shook my head, took a long breath.

‘Come on, Cait,’ I said softly, pacing the length of the room. ‘Get it together.’

I kept pacing and pacing, not sure what to do, but knowing I had to do something.

It came to me suddenly, formed whole. I found my bag, the keys on the bench, and let myself out, forcing myself to keep breathing, keep going, until I was out on the street, heading into the city.

I had to be careful. I’d been careless, and somehow, I’d made it this far. I’d been lucky. But I had to be careful. Just in case.

‘I’m old,’ Beryl said. ‘I know I am. I can see all of you getting ready to tell me I’m not but I know I am.’