‘Well, there are worse problems to have,’ Victoria replies. ‘I understand you had an altercation with Daniel last night during Mr & Mrs Valentine Island.’

‘Daniel is my ex,’ I explain. It’s on the tip of my tongue to dish every devastating detail of what has happened but will it make me feel better? Probably not. I’m sure I’ll just feel embarrassed, and it might delegitimise my showmance with Freddie. If I do start having it out with Daniel, I really will need a therapist.

‘Oh,’ Victoria replies. ‘Daniel, do you think perhaps you were jealous that Freddie is with Lila now?’

‘No,’ he quickly snaps back, his shifty little eyes bouncing from side to side. ‘Of course not.’

‘Perhaps you feel emasculated by Edward?’

‘Freddie,’ Freddie corrects her. He laughs awkwardly. It seems as if this happens a lot.

‘Sorry, Freddie,’ she replies, her cheeks flushing.

‘Of course, I’m not emasculated… by him,’ Daniel insists unconvincingly.

‘No shame in it, mate,’ Kevin chimes in. ‘Wait until you’ve been together seven years – you’ll be happy your wife has someone else she’s interested in. Bloody hell, you can’t win with women. You either want too much sex from them, or you’re not giving them enough…’

‘I’m not threatened by him,’ Daniel snaps.

‘Hmm, that’s interesting,’ Victoria says. ‘No one said “threatened” – do you think you feel threatened?’

‘What?’ he replies. ‘No. I just said that I didn’t feel threatened by him. He’s just the muscle who got hired to be in some rubbish film. He isn’t better than me.’

‘Daniel, shut up,’ I snap.

‘It’s okay,’ Freddie reassures me. ‘Let him talk, it’s funny.’

‘You think this is funny?’ Daniel asks, jumping to his feet.

‘I do,’ our resident hobbit says, before his wife jabs him in the arm with her elbow.

‘Okay, okay, okay,’ Victoria says. ‘Everyone in their seats now. I need to regain control of this session. No more judgement, let’s try some positivity.’

Daniel, scowling at Freddie, angered by his calm smile, reluctantly sits back down.

‘Can you stop acting like you’re bothered,’ I just about make out Eva whisper to him.

‘I want everyone to take a turn at telling the group something positive about their partner, okay?’ Victoria suggests. ‘Claire and Simon, you go first.’

Claire and Simon, other than introducing themselves, have been otherwise pretty silent throughout everyone else’s mess. They both utter perfectly reasonable but otherwise unremarkable traits they like in each other.

‘Jen is a good mum,’ Kevin offers up, after a few seconds thinking about it.

‘The nicest thing you can say about me is that I’m a good mum?’ she repeats angrily. ‘I may as well be the nanny.’

‘I don’t know why I bloody bother,’ he replies.

Watching them argue, it is crystal clear why they are both here… but they’re still together and they’re trying. That’s what you do when you’re unhappy with your partner, right? You try and you work on things, even if they’re driving you mad. You don’t shag one of their friends.