It doesn’t take long for the white Mercedes C-class to show up, covered in white balloons, with ‘just married’ emblazoned across the back window. I puff air from my cheeks. I just had to tell them – when I booked it – that this car was to take us from our wedding reception to our honeymoon. I don’t suppose the driver questioned the reasons why I brought the journey forward by so many hours or why I wanted picking up from my house instead, and I’ll bet the car was just all ready and waiting to go.

‘Hello, love,’ the driver says as he steps out. ‘Congratulations.’

He hasn’t looked me in the eye yet, as he has busied himself rushing around the car to open the boot, so he doesn’t know what a gigantic case of emotional baggage I’m going to be for him.

‘Thanks,’ I reply. I don’t really know what else to say.

‘So we’re going to the… Oh.’

He’s noticed my face.

‘Yep.’

‘And, the, erm…’ He looks so awkward, I feel sorry for him. ‘The, erm… the other passenger?’

‘Just me,’ I say, putting on my bravest of faces, reaching for my suitcase.

‘Let me get that for you,’ he says as if he wants to help me – really help me – but this is the only way he knows how. I am, after all, a complete stranger, and he has no idea what has gone on – he’s assuming it’s bad though, and he’d be absolutely right.

I’m really hoping that the hotel is the last place Daniel will think to look for me, if he even tries to look for me, so I’m probably safe there. I can hide away in my room or prop up the bar or eat something real with calories and fats for the first time in months.

The taxi driver comes back for Daniel’s suitcase.

‘Oh, no, not that one,’ I say.

‘You leaving that one there?’ he asks, confused.

‘Yeah.’

‘What, with the bins?’

‘Yep,’ I reply. ‘That one is trash. It’s got to go.’

4

A latte, an M&S sandwich, a bag of crisps, a bottle of water, two McDonald’s cheeseburgers (the single ones, I hasten to add), fries, a share bag of Maltesers and, oh, I don’t know, maybe five porn star martinis. That’s everything I’ve had to eat and drink since I ran away from my wedding – if I’d had it beforehand, there’s no way I would’ve been able to run away at all.

In defence of the amount of alcohol I have consumed, it is important to note that I have consumed it over the course of many hours and I have eaten a lot of food with it.

In defence of the amount of food I have eaten, I needed a lot to soak up all the alcohol.

In defence of all of the above, I am miserable, I’ve been on a diet for months, my life is falling apart, and I have nothing better to do.