BooksBarbecue
Back Grow Save as PDF
Chapters (75)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. About the Author
  4. Title Page
  5. Intoroduction
  6. ONE
  7. TWO
  8. THREE
  9. FOUR
  10. FIVE
  11. SIX
  12. SEVEN
  13. EITHT
  14. NINE
  15. TEN
  16. ELEVEN
  17. TWELVE
  18. THIRTEEN
  19. FOURTEEN
  20. FIFTEEN
  21. SIXTEEN
  22. SEVENTEEN
  23. EIGHTEEN
  24. NINETEEN
  25. TWENTY
  26. TWENTY-ONE
  27. TWENTY-TWO
  28. TWENTY-THREE
  29. TWENTY-FOUR
  30. TWENTY-FIVE
  31. TWENTY-SIX
  32. TWENTY-SEVEN
  33. TWENTY-EIGHT
  34. TWENTY-NINE
  35. THIRTY
  36. THIRTY-ONE
  37. THIRTY-TWO
  38. THIRTY-THREE
  39. THIRTY-FOUR
  40. THIRTY-FIVE
  41. THIRTY-SIX
  42. THIRTY-SEVEN
  43. THIRTY-EIGHT
  44. THIRTY-NINE
  45. FORTY
  46. FORTY-ONE
  47. FORTY-TWO
  48. FORTY-THREE
  49. FORTY-FOUR
  50. FORTY-FIVE
  51. FORTY-SIX
  52. FORTY-SEVEN
  53. FORTY-EIGHT
  54. FORTY-NINE
  55. FIFTY
  56. FIFTY-ONE
  57. FIFTY-TWO
  58. FIFTY-THREE
  59. FIFTY-FOUR
  60. FIFTY-FIVE
  61. FIFTY-SIX
  62. FIFTY-SEVEN
  63. FIFTY-EIGHT
  64. FIFTY-NINE
  65. SIXTY
  66. SIXTY-ONE
  67. SIXTY-TWO
  68. SIXTY-THREE
  69. SIXTY-FOUR
  70. SIXTY-FIVE
  71. SIXTY-SIX
  72. SIXTY-SEVEN
  73. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  74. CLIMATE EMERGENCY
  75. Copyright

I make a list in my head of people who are likely to be there, and it’s mostly people I know – or knew – quite well. There’s not been much change in the social groups at school for years now, and everyone pretty much still hangs around with the people they’ve always hung around with. Even so, having to have the same ‘how are you’ conversation a dozen times this evening isn’t filling me with much joy. Maybe they’ll just leave me alone like they always do.

That’s another thing that’s changed. I used to be pretty popular: lots of friends, active social media, all that. Then I stopped watching and it all just fell away: the online stuff first, then the real-life friends not long after.

I guess it’s like this: when I came back to school after the first month, it was like there was a cloud of silence around me. At first it was pretty big. You could hear it spread out from me, like a wave. I’d walk into a room and people everywhere – even on the other side of the lunch hall – would notice me and go quieter. Then the cloud got smaller, until it was just a thin, wispy covering that only covered me, not anyone else. It was like a barrier that seemed to stop people looking my way. In fact, when I walk into a room now, people’s voices get louder. If anything, their backs turn further away. They get even more closed.

Maybe it won’t be too busy. Maybe it’ll be just me and my clinking bottles.

But the noise from Jamie’s house breaks on me like a tide as soon as I turn the corner into his road. I can see, even at this distance, people standing in his front garden, a few sitting on the wall that his dad always used to get angry at us for sitting on. It’s a huge party – much bigger than I thought it would be. The weight in my stomach gets heavier, but I push against it. People look up as I get closer, the bottles noisy against my leg, and a few raise their chins by way of saying hello. I nod back and slip in through the open front door, trying to find Jamie as soon as possible.

He’s in the kitchen with Louisa and a few others. He looks up as I come in.